Wow...I Forgot This Blog Was Still In The Universe...

Hello...nearly nobody.

Maybe it's better that this blog is void of readers. Feels almost better to send my thoughts out into the void, than to people who might actually judge me for them. (Although I know a few people still read.)

I suppose nothing has changed and a lot has changed since last I wrote. Rob and I are still in the apartment, only because of the generosity of my parents. And it's hard. And none of that has changed. 

I am officially going to UNCA in the Fall and looking forward to it more than I had ever thought I would. It worked out exactly the way I wanted. I told myself I wouldn't go until I was sure, until I was DYING to go, until I regretted not going for so long, and then I would know I was ready. And I'm there. I knew I would get there. I just had to take my own time, I suppose. 

So that's fun. In the meantime I'm just trying to decide what to do for the next few months. It looks like I'll be taking a trip to Shanghai this summer to visit my friend Cynthia. I might move out of my apartment in about a month and move back home so I can try to save some money for travel and college. That means Rob and I will be splitting earlier than we planned, and that idea makes me very sad. I do love living here, and I was really looking forward to the pool, and the fun, and the close friends. But moving back to the farm might work out too. It doesn't really work financially to be here. So unless Robbie can find something full-time here in the next month, we'll probably split. Goodness knows where he'll end up. Hopefully on his feet at some point is my only hope. 

But things are looking good for me. No matter the struggles I'll go through in the coming months, I have a lot of good stuff to look forward to. A whole new life, which I've been needing. I learned what I needed to learn, I made the mistakes I needed to make, and I feel pretty good about the whole thing. But I am ready to move on, even as sad as it might be. So that's about it. All I can think of to write in this blog any more is updates, and those seem to be dull. If I didn't think I'd be too busy for it, I'd probably decide to start a new, fresh blog about my new, up-coming life. But I doubt I'll have the time at college. So for now (unless anything else comes up) I'll thank the universe for listening, and send this off into the void as my last post, for a while at least. I did find some great goodness after all, it just didn't look like what I thought it might. But when do we ever find what we're looking for, eh? As Charlie said at the end of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "please believe that things are good with me, and even when they are not, they will be soon enough." If you want more details, email, write, call, or find me on Facebook. 

Love.

-Kate

It's Looking Pretty Lonely Out There, Guys

Earlier today I was driving in the car with Robbie listening to music and singing along, happy as could be. I said to him "You know...I'm really enjoying being single." It's something I had been realizing and playing with lately...and it's true, I really am having fun with it. I like myself better-I feel freer and more grown-up. I feel stronger and more confident. It's good to experience. Especially considering that I've almost never imagined myself without someone else in the picture. Although I do pull back to a certain extent at the thought of enjoying my independence, mainly because I LOATHE the whole "I don't need a man" independent role my mother takes on, and god forbid I follow in her footsteps too much. The thing is, "a man" is just another form of connection with someone...and you DO need to feel connected to someone in this world. My mom doesn't need a man because she has wonderful friends. Some have close families. Some have spouses. Some have all of the above, but whatever the case people need to have other people in their lives besides themselves. You need to be able to or know that you can depend on SOMEone and if you don't know that, it's scary.

Lately as I've enjoyed the freedom of not being in a relationship, I've also been experiencing the sadness of not having very many other good relationships with anyone else. The more Robbie and I become "just friends" the less close I feel to him, despite how much we love and care for each other still. The more I become dependent from my family, the more distant they seem. The more I change and grow the more my relationships change and grow, and it's hard to rely on old friendships staying the same. And making new friends is hard. It isn't hard getting along with new people, having interesting conversations with new people, or even hanging out a few nights a week with new people. But developing strong...serious friendships with people is surprisingly similar to trying to develop a relationship with a guy. You don't know if they enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs. You don't know if they want to spend time with you as much as you want to with them. Or how much they want to share about themselves or know about you. And to develop those kind of friendships take a long, long time.

For me, it's easy to make new acquaintances. I get along with everyone and I'm very likable and fun. But anything deeper than fun is scary at times. It's almost EASIER to develop a relationship with a guy than to make good friendships because when it's a relationship there's an understanding of more...of going all out and putting yourself out their completely. With new acquaintances you can't do that as well. It's odd to say to someone "do you want to be really really good friends and be very close and personal?" What if they were just being nice?

I'm noticing for myself and for many people my age these days that the world looks really really lonely. You leave high school or you leave college or you leave graduate school or you leave a job but at some point and in every new step you lose friends and have to make new ones. But until then...who do you talk to? Who do you spend time with?

I get along well with my coworkers at Lane Bryant and I would like to spend more time with them because lately I don't have anyone else to hang out with. One in particular I wish I knew better but it's hard to read her: she's very good at being fake with people...in that kind of job, who isn't? Tonight I had invited everyone over to my house and not one of them showed up...it was disappointing to say the least. And when you know so little of someone, everything counts. If it had been someone I'd known forever and they just couldn't make it, I wouldn't have thought "well they just don't like me". But for someone new, what more can you think of it?

I'm sure it wasn't an insult, but it wasn't much of a compliment either. And I'm secure enough with myself to know it doesn't mean anything about me personally. But that doesn't mean it doesn't EFFECT me...because instead I sat on the couch alone instead of with friends, and who likes that? My older friends are growing and changing like me and I feel hardly as close to them anymore. And now without Robbie so close to me, my family too far away to pay the gas money to get to, without my doggie who I've missed more than ever recently, and without much to do with myself, I find myself very lonely.

And it's not that there isn't a fix, I know the options available to me, but in the long run, won't I have to do this all over again LATER anyways? I could go to college and make friends again, sure...but my sister made good friends at college and she doesn't see them anymore and is having trouble making new friends too. And I could try another relationship, but that one will probably end too. I look at the world and people's lives and some are really lucky to find life-time friends...but what about those who aren't? What about those people who make lots of friends, but none of them really stick. In the end, even though I will find new people and new friends and end up happy later eventually on and off forever...right now I'm still sitting here alone in this room at this very moment, and I'm still wishing someone else were here with me who really knew me. And when I think about it...although I know I have EVERYONE to depend on, I wonder if anyone of you really do know me, even if you're there for me, even if you love me, even if you know me. And even if you do, you're not here...and I wish you were.

I think I need a dog. heh

Love to you all

-Kate

So Maybe Less Angst And More Fun?

I've decided that I need to decide about my decisions and be decisive about deciding things that I have trouble making decisions about.

Right? I mean life is all about making decisions based on the best knowledge you can have at the moment and pulling it through and making it work and seeing what you can learn from it. So no more of this waiting for it happen...not this time.

Here's what I know. I know that I want to get healthy...for no other reason, that's a good enough reason to go to Vermont. Here's what else I know. I know I'm REALLY tired of this whole working at a lame job for lame pay to live in a lame place. Vermont seems to be a good break from that too. Here's what else I know...living with Robbie is getting harder and harder the more we pull away from each other.

So Vermont it is, right?

But I also know...that I don't want to go. I am LOVING the fact that I am close to my friends and that I get to go swimming every day and that I have fun with everyone that I work with. When I get to be with the people I love and do the things I love, I have a blast. But unfortunately...I don't get to do those things very often with the people I love. And I hate that.

I'm making it sound like I've made a decision about something, which is misleading. I wondered if ACTING like I had made a decision about something would help me make a decision but it isn't.

Based off of all of these things...it seems like the thing to do is go to Vermont and figure some stuff out for as long as it takes but as quickly as I can. And I think I want to wait a while longer before I go so that it's not such a hassle to get out there and back for things like Thanksgiving. January-May is a good long period of the year that I don't really NEED to be in Durham for. Nothing so crucial is going on that I'd want to come home and plus I can't go swimming so the whole pool thing won't matter. There are two problems with going than. One of them is small and I can overlook it...which is just the fact that it'll be fucking COLD AS HELL. But I can work that out. The other is that I don't know what to do until then. Robbie's job is picking up at Tosca so hopefully he'll start bringing in enough to pay for the apartment on his own. My job sped up for a bit but I get the feeling it's about to slow down again. I'm not positive we're going to make rent this month...we'll get our paychecks the end of this week just in time to pay the rent but...it's likely we won't make enough. I'm predicting being about $100-$150 short but I could be wrong. We might get lucky. We've both worked a LOT lately so...hopefully I'm very wrong. But if I stay in the complex...living with Robbie might drive me crazy. And if I'm not living with him, than what's the point of NOT going to VT?

It's all so complicated. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's coming up VERY slowly and it's uphill, and I'm tired, and it's rocky and hard. But I'll make it.

Love is near...AND far.

Kate

Things Are Getting Interesting Again

Hello all.

It's been a while, right? And I bet nobody still checks this thing but if/when I start writing on it again, I'll let you all know and you can start back up reading...but only if I start to use it regularly again. It still might be a while. Internet is not easily accessible to me and when I do happen to be on I'm not in a very comfortable place. I'm either in an uncomfortable chair in the West Village apartments' business center and having to share it with anyone who comes in, at the noisy and distracting library, or I'm at the business center at our apartments where there's only one very slow computer with a keyboard that only works every few letters. So you can forgive me for not staying on it much.

Plus I've been coasting lately...not doing much of anything except working and trying to survive. It's obnoxious really and feels pretty unsatisfying. I just keep thinking "what's the point?" I'm putting all of this hard work into a situation that I don't get anything out of. But it's good for me because I get to experience what it's like for almost EVERYONE else and know first hand why they all seem so miserable.

The job at Lane Bryant is pulling through a little better for me. I'm getting more hours, still not full time but at least more than 8 like when I started. Usually about 16-19 but even more these days. The sad thing is that my hours pretty much depend on how much "credit" I sell. Meaning the more people I can get to try for a Lane Bryant credit card, the more hours I get, the more I can make my rent, the less I have to borrow from a parent. But I hate it because I know that for the most part, I'm just encouraging people to spend too much on things they don't need and can't afford anyways. Plus it's hard to be around it myself and have to resist buying the clothes that I like. But I am having fun. I love the people there and when I shut off my brain and put my morals in a box, I can have a great time and laugh all day long. Problem is, at the end of the day, it doesn't feel great to look back at who I was think about it. For instance a lady came in the other day and asked for a bag. When I gave her one, she looked at me and "do me a favor...just tell me that tomorrow's going to be a better day" and started to cry. I tried to reassure her even though I didn't have faith that it would be for her. When she left a man came up to me and my manager and said that she had stolen some things from another store and was trying to cover her tracks by putting it in another bag. My manager was like "OH MY GOD! We just got GOT!" and was all upset about how we were fooled into helping her mask her steal. Everyone was laughing about how she had come in crying and how we totally fell for it. And when I said "well I'd be willing to bet it wasn't an act, I mean if she has to steal she must be in a pretty bad place..." they all smirked and said Kate, you're so innocent, you're so optimistic" and were mocking me. I played it off and laughed with them and made fun of her because...well it was fun. But when I got home and put my brain back in, I didn't think it was funny anymore. Those kind of things happen a lot with work. With the world actually. And with myself...I'm finding more and more that I don't like who I am in it.

Which I guess is why I'm writing. And it's less to let you all know how I am and more because I'm SO confused that writing about it seemed like the thing to do. It always helps...usually...at least a little.

The last few days...I think I've been more lost and confused than I have ever been. Well not just the last few days...the last few weeks...but the last few days it's been eating at me more than usual. To sum it up, I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure how to figure that out. I have a few options. I could stay here and live with Robbie and keep working. Maybe try to figure out my own business like I wanted to before. I could go to Vermont and help dad and Sally with the Inn. I could live with mom for a bit and help her out. I could go to college. I could go someone new and live on my own. Or something completely different that I haven't thought of yet. Really the only ones I've been considering are Vermont and staying here with Robbie. And it's not as easy as just what I want to do...because each one has a completely different feel to it...each one would push me in completely different ways and turn me into a completely different person. And each one stands for something even bigger: who I want to be. And I don't know that.

Vermont would help me be the person I tend to feel like I am, but not who I feel I WANT to be. And I'm not sure which person I'm happier being. On one hand there's this very fun, happy, funny person who loves to be with her friends and hang out, who's happiest with big groups of people, who enjoys work, who loves Durham, who wants to be close to the farm, who tends to be in a pretty good mood and easily made happy by friends, swimming, good food, and a little spending money. And I have a lot of fun like that. I tend to be upbeat and in a good mood, but when I get down I get REALLY down. It's easy to be that person. But then there's another person in me who likes to be more alone...who's more serious...who wants to be stronger and smarter, who wants to be a better person. Who likes to be more spiritually involved. Who likes to be alone. Who goes about things in a more unusual way...like dating 40-year-olds and not going to college and doing home schooling instead of high school. And I like that me too but it's harder.

I feel like whoever I decide to be involves giving up a huge part of my life and huge part of who I am and what I love. I feel like I can't have both because that's what I've been trying to balance for a while now but they bump heads too much. And every time I have to make a big decision I get lost and confused. It doesn't work to be both. But I can't give up one. If I go to Vermont...I'll have to say goodbye to all of my friends, to my pool, to Robbie, to the farm, to family. If I stay, I give up peace and quiet, and the beauty of the mountains, and the state of mind that would go along with being in a calm place, the wonders of not having to stretch every paycheck to every penny or worry about how many hours I'm working or miles I'm driving or noodle I'm eating. I'd be healthier physically, emotionally, and mentally. But at what sacrifice? Am I ready to give up everything that I love so much? It's utterly depressing that to be who I am means giving up who I've become and who I have fun being. I don't mean to be rude but...I don't want to be either of my parents...and I feel like I have to chose which one I'll turn into right now when in so many ways I disagree who who they are and choices they've made. Yes, I love them and appreciate them and they both wonderful in very great and different ways and I look up to them both. But all of the flaws that I see in them...or all of the things that I dislike about them...I see in myself all of the time. If I go to Vermont, I'll turn into my dad. I'll be strong and intelligent, deep and understanding, but also...a bit of an outcast. I won't get along with most of the people I love now. Everything will be more complicated but it will feel better. And I'll have to decide to let go of...a lot. But I'll feel better about who I am and be more fulfilled with everything I do. And If I stay I'll turn into my mom. I'll be more independent and more culturally intuitive. I'll get stronger at making decisions and following through with them. I'll have lots of friends and things that I love and I'll probably get better with money. But I'll be judgemental...and I'll be harsher...and I'll make decisions based more on money and what the system wants of me and less about what I want. And I'll work but get little fulfillment out of it. But I'll be accepted more. And it'll be easier. And I'll do it well. And I'll have more fun.

Which is it?

Which is it...

Which is it.

WHICH IS IT??



Love comes with sacrifice.

-Kate

My Final Decision, Finally

For a while now I've been back and forth about college. Recently it got to the point that I was so confused about and so unsure that I just put it in the back of my head and refused to dwell on it, keeping faith that I would figure it out when I needed to. But the deadline to have your deposit due, ensuring your enrollment in the fall, is May 1st. And so every day it got closer to the end of April, I was more and more upset that I hadn't figured it out.

Yesterday I checked my email to find a message from the admissions office reminding me that I hadn't yet sent it in and that I need to asap. I tried to get it off my mind, but I had to make a final decision. I had been telling everyone I didn't think I would go...I had been making plans assuming I wouldn't go. But lately everything just seemed to be telling me that I needed it. I've been oddly unhappy lately every now and then and the only reasons I could think of that I was unhappy was because I didn't have a good circle of friends or art yet. And the only way I could think of to GET those things...was to go to college. I didn't know what to do.

Last night I finally broke down which resulted in me being incredibly rude to Robert and storming out of the door, leaving him behind, and taking a walk. I knew I was being rude, but I also knew, somehow, that I just needed to be alone and take a walk and think things over. Our apartments bump up right up against the Duke Forest walking trails and we'd been planning on taking a walk together through them but we just hadn't yet.

I was too confused to weigh the options. It frustrated me that as much as I thought about it and weighed each side, neither one came out strong. I knew the pros and cons, I knew what was in store for me on each side and I still couldn't clearly decide for once and for all what to do. Then I suddenly heard dad's voice in my head when he had given me advice about an earlier problem...I remembered him saying that I could ask the universe for a sign. I hadn't before...I didn't really think I would find anything. But I did...and one came. I had been walking and I suddenly stopped in the middle of the path. I had just passed a fork in the path and walked only a little bit past it when I stopped. I looked behind me and realized it was a metaphor. I had already chosen which way to go...I was already headed that way...but now I wondered if I should turn around and go back. But as I stood there...I could feel myself wanting more than anything to keep going the way I had been going. And if I really wanted to try that path, I could later. I knew it would meet up again to mine somehow. But right now...I wanted to go my way.

I've already decided not to go to college this Fall. I realize it's a harder path...I realize it isn't what some people want for me. I realize it won't get me money, and I'll have to work harder to find a new circle of friends and get involved in art. But that doesn't mean I won't figure it out. And if I don't...I'll have to wait a whole year with the burning desire to go to college...and by the time I go, I'll be more prepared for it than ever, and REALLY ready for it. And I think that's fine.

For right now, I have other plans. I need to teach myself more self discipline. I need to find a healthier lifestyle. I need to work harder at my relationships with people. I need to study the world around me more and figure out my place in it. I think that's pretty fucking worthy anyways. Someone told me I was a student of life...I forget who, but I remember it and it fits. College right now can only give me an easy way out...an easy fix to things I need to work on. A college degree can only get me a better paying job...but not the job I want. Who gets a better paying job as a potter? I never had plans to be wealthy. I've always had plans to be happy. And I am happy. If I don't deserve the same privileges because I didn't go to college, fine. But I think I deserve the same respect, the same privileges, the same status as anyone else because I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm trying probably MORE than a lot of the people I know who went to college. But hey, make it harder for me if you want to, you big bad world. I'm strong enough to stand it.

Love has no textbook,

Kate