This Odd Calm In My Throat...

For three years, as most of you know, I've been in and out (but mostly in) a long distance relationship with a goofy guy named Robbie who pretty much everyone has met but I still want to talk about him a bit.

It wasn't until recently though that we decided to be less secretive about our relationship, for many reasons, all of which come along with an awkward feeling when we tell someone for the first time. The biggest and most prominent is the 22 year age difference between us. If that doesn't get to the person, it's the fact that we met online, or the fact that he has a 6 year old daughter named Sarah, or the fact that he has epilepsy, or that he's 40 years old and still hasn't found a proper footing in this world.

In my very safe and sheltered life, you don't see much of this situation. Almost everyone who I know is financially secure, living regular lives, and pretty sane and healthy. It's only natural that when you force a pink elephant into the room everyone has something to say about it. I have great people in my life. You're all incredibly supportive and sweet...and it means the world to me. You love me, and you all want to protect me, and you all want what's best for me...and I know that, and I see that, and above all, I appreciate it. A lot. Thank you so much for caring for me the way you do.

One thing, though, that you should all try to hold onto...is (the...well-known fact *urHRMCh*) that I'm a smart girl. I'm not damaged, I have great self-esteem (which I would actually blame Robbie for), I have great friends, a good head on my shoulders, and I think A LOT about stuff. (Hence this whole blog...lol). I wouldn't pick a guy I didn't think was worthy of me. I wouldn't work for three years on a difficult relationship...if I hadn't truly thought through every aspect of it and still decided it was what I wanted. I'm following my heart to the ends of the earth. I trust it. I want you all to as well.

Robbie is a god to me. He loves the living hell out of me and more than anyone else, I am completely myself around him...more honest and open than I've ever been able to be with another person...just natural and free. We communicate wonderfully...even the hardest issues eventually get taken care of. He'll do anything for me. He wants what I want. He's in the same place in his life as I am. He helps me to be powerful...to be clear...to be at peace. And I find myself instinctively drawn to him when I'm in need.

As hard as it is to leave...I'm still feeling calm about it. I get sad and frustrated and scared...but I'm finding there's this odd calm in my throat...a steadiness in my hands...a lightness in my toes. I feel like moving in with him is the most natural thing I could possibly be doing right now. It feels right. It feels good. And I'm so ready to be done with a long distance relationship. I can't think of a better way to go through this stage of my life...I'm so glad to be doing it with him. This summer was going to involve leaving in one way or another...I wasn't about to stay and work from home and pay rent...so it was either college, on my own, or with some help. College didn't sound good yet. So with some help it is. And he's the perfect help for me.

I know that everyone has their concerns. I also know that I probably won't be able to make them go away. Luckily, I don't find that I need to. I don't need to prove to you that this will work...because like any relationship, maybe it won't. Maybe we'll drive each other crazy. Maybe I'll get anxious and need to be on my own. Maybe one or the other or both of us will change. Maybe one or the other of us will grow ahead of the other, and leave the other one behind. Maybe we'll just stop loving each other. Maybe we'll just find someone better. But what I do want people to realize is that...all of those maybes...apply to every relationship. I don't think there's a guarantee or correct way of going about it...there's just following your heart and learning and growing from what you experience. This is an experience. It's a big, fat, scary one...but I won't regret it no matter the outcome because he's still my best friend and we'll still be okay. I don't like idea of having a relationship based only on the terms that it will "work out". I hate the phrase "where is this relationship going?" and the often raised concerns I get about the future aspects and all the maybes. I'm not in a relationship to force it to last. I'm living now, so I live for now. So why not love for now?

Why give up a great experience...because your scared of it giving up on you?

To all of you: I am always open to talk about anything regarding my relationship. I know the concerns people generally have and I've never ignored them. You are all smart, sophisticated, wise people...and if you think there's something I could learn from you, than I will never block it out or turn the other cheek. I love and trust you all, and I do want to hear what you have to say. I DO want you to tell me how you feel, if you want me to know. I DO want you to be open with me, and allow me to be open with you. But try to understand who I am in the face of it all, and that this is how I'm going to be about it. This is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I believe, and this is what I feel. And I don't need you to agree. But I also don't need anyone having opinions about it that result in talking about it behind my back. Or feeling awkward around me or him or us together because you haven't worked it out. Or ignoring me just because you don't like what I'm doing. Because that's not fair to me. It's not fair to us. And ultimately, it's not what works best.

I hope you all will be open and honest with me about how you feel...and I hope you will all also be open...to how I/we feel.

I love you all,

-Kate