(This was posted and then deleted for a little bit until I got Robbie's permission to post it...so if you saw it and wondered why it came and went...that's why.)
Robbie and I had our first little spat today since I moved in. I wouldn't call it a fight...but it definitely could have turned into one if he hadn't kept his mouth shut, which he told me later, he held back a lot. What spurred it was that he got into his crazy meticulous cleaning mood...which means he can't focus on anything but what he's doing, and what he's doing is incredibly in-depth cleaning. What annoys me about this is that you can't communicate with him while he's in this mode. I can't talk to him, I can't ask for a hug without it being rushed and hasty...and for the most part he ignores me and it feels as if his entire personality has changed. There's nothing you can do to get him out of it...I suspect if we got a phone call in the middle of it that someone we loved had died...he'd still say "wait, hold on, let me finish cleaning this first." Of course this is an exaggeration...but sometimes that's how I feel. I've experienced it many times before...and usually I got a little irritated but would shrug it off. But on a day like today...when I was needing to talk and get some things off my chest and spend time with him (since we don't get to spend as much time together as I'd like)...it didn't work for me to be ignored and shrugged away hastily. I let him get through it...and when he finally sat down he asked me how I was, I said I was fine...but that I needed to figure out a way to deal with him in this mode and that we needed to work it out. He than proceeded to get defensive and argumentative and it eventually ended up in me getting pissed, walking away and when he followed and tried to force me into telling him what was up, I ended up yelling a whole speach about how it wasn't about him, it wasn't that he was in the wrong, and that it wasn't about how he felt about me in return...that I was simply trying to figure out how to work with it. We spent a while apart and when I went back to hug him and make up, he seemed to have not gotten the message yet and was still unable to really work it out...so I pretty much gave him the cold shoulder until I dropped him off at work.
Since then...I've been trying to figure it out on my own...but am getting nowhere....which is why I'm writing. It's helps me think through it.
My thinking is...I never thought that you had to love everything about the person you're with. I never expected it to be perfect...or to be able to love and accept everything that he is...because let's face it...he's a weird guy. But I did expect to be able to work through it...to figure out how to be with each other despite our differences. What Robert said was...he would never try to find those differences...and if he saw something that was different about me...he would just accept it and think "okay...so that's how she does it." When he told me that, I felt the way I often do when he says something like that. It's almost like he's saying "Well I'm more accepting and better at loving you". I don't believe that he can immediately accept any and every flaw that I have. I don't believe that he's never annoyed with a trait that I have...and that he never will be. But maybe he can. I don't know. What I DO know is that I can't.
The thing is....Robert isn't the type of guy that I saw myself with. He probably isn't the type of guy that ANYone saw me with. He isn't charming and witty like all the guys in my family are. He isn't sheltered and lucky like most of the people in my life. He isn't handsome and manly like you'd expect a good catch to be. And he's nothing like any of the guys I dated or was interested in. But he's sweet...and he's smart...and he's funny...and he's a good guy who loves me and makes me a better person. Still, though...I can't help but constantly judge him. In a lot of ways...I want him to be someone he's not...I want to change things about him...help him fit in better, help him become more socially acceptable and regular and average. And I know that it's wrong...and I know that it hurts him...but I don't know how to give it up and just accept him the way he does with me.
Should love really not look like that? Should I be so crazy about him that everything that I would normally dislike...is automatically not a problem anymore? Am I a bad partner for wanting him to be different? Ultimately...these questions always lead me to the same usual big one: if this isn't working out the way it should be...is it the symptom that something bigger is wrong...perhaps that I'm not in a relationship that will last? I go to that a lot. With many things already that have popped up and challenged us...I've wondered if they're usual problems that everyone works through and that can be dealt with...or if they're just symptoms of a bigger...and less solvable problem.
For now...I'm going to assume the first one and try to work it out.
More later
Lovin's
-Kate
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1 comment:
When I get into that hyperdrive cleaning mode, it's because I'm feeling anxious and afraid and out of control. Cleaning is a way to gain a sense of control. It's a small thing you can do to gain control of your surroundings, in a world that can feel very crazy. So it can come with a benefit. But it's much better, and more healing, to stop and get clear about the true anxiety and feelings of being out of control that underly the need to clean. Then you are relating to what's so, and that is always sane, and sanity is always healing. So when Robert gets stuck in cleaning mode, maybe asking about his fears and anxiety, asking him what's going on that cleaning seems to help or solve or calm, and getting to the root causes, would be a helpful approach.
You are asking deep and important questions, girl. Keep it up. Good work.
yer Paw
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