I've been really happy lately. The few days of my trip up there and the days after I was a little on edge...worried and scared and sad. But now I'm just having fun with it. I keep having to talk to myself...reassure myself of things. Perhaps it's working.
I had a scary thought while I was visiting the apartment last weekend. I was walking down the steps outside to go to the car and imagined myself falling. It's not unusual for me to imagine the worst in situations. I drive and imagine myself crashing, I walk and imagine myself falling, I swim and imagine myself drowning. Sounds dark, I know, but it's more of just me being cautious...and spending too much time in my own head I suppose. lol. (Yes, I use "lol"...I talk a lot on line so I've picked it up...for those of you who may not know, it technically means "laugh out loud" in netspeak, although I've never thought of it litterally. For me it's equivilant to a "heh" or "haha" and I tend to try hard to leave them out when I'm talking to some of you old fogies but this is my space now, so you'll just have to deal with it [that means you, dad...LOL] I'll probably be slipping into my quick netspeak ways on here so be prepaired for more "lol"s or I also do "*snirt* [which is the same thing]" and other things inside of asteriks which is just a way of saying that it's what I'm doing. *shuts up because I've gotten off topic* See?)
ANYways...my scary thought was that I imagined falling on the stairs and hurting myself...and screaming for my dad (since he was with me)...and then it finally hit me...when I'm living on my own...I won't be able to call out to them. It made me sad. In reality, it's not really that big of a change. Mom works all day (until recently, but still...) and dad lives an hour away from me. Plus I'll have Robbie around and I've got so many people who love me even outside of my parents so I've got all the support and help I'll ever need in any situation...which is pretty cool. But it was like...a symbol for being on my own now. For needing to take charge by myself now. I have to take care of myself in a new way. I know I'm not alone...I know I've got all of you whenever I need...but it will still be different. It's still a change of life. And not even so much of a change of life, but the switch has been flicked...I'm an "adult" now and I hate that.
The whole idea of "growing up" bugs me. I've been haunted by the idea of not being able to be fun and silly like usual. I love being a kid. I love being a teen. I love hanging out with the potluck girls and sleeping over together and staying up all night talking about parents and boys and silly things like that. I like building forts. I like toys. I like how my room is covered in posters and girly teenager things and bright fun colors. I like how my pillow cases are colorful and cutesy. I like how I have stuffed animals out still...and how even though I have a ton of adult friends and an adult boyfriend...I still have all my much younger friends to balance it out.
I remember being sour at my siblings when they went away. I remember noticing the difference between my brother while he was in college, and when he got out of college...how I almost resented him for growing up. I don't want to be an adult. Ever. I don't want to only talk about money and jobs and my apartment and my life. Sometimes I want to talk about how good looking Brad Pitt is...or how my new make-up is so nice...or how my mom bugged me the other day when she asked me to clean something up. I don't want to leave my room that's incredibly playful and fun...and have to have a nice, neat, grown-up room...with solid plain colors and matching everything and nice pieces of art on the walls instead of posters. And I've been told that "I don't have to" but...don't I kind of? I'm leaving my childhood friends and...the places I'll be meeting my new friends will be at jobs and neighbors...and they'll all be grown ups. The decisions I make will have to be "responsible" and I'll have to consider all the consequences. I don't WANT to be responsible and consider consequences! lol
I'm hoping I'll find a job that involves me with children somehow. Teacher, nanny, daycare...something. But I still don't think it will be the same.
I know that everyone realizes this...and even I knew it a long time ago but...I didn't seem to have control over it even though I was aware of it...but...we spend our childhoods wishing we were adults...and we spend our adulthoods...wishing we were still kids.
Is there any time in your life where the grass ISN'T greener on another side?
These days are all,
Happy and Free. (Those Happy Days)
These days are all,
Share them with me. (oh baby)
Goodbye grey sky, hello blue.
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.
Feels so right, it can't be wrong.
Rockin' and rollin' all week long.
These days are all,
Share them with me. (Those Happy Days)
These days are all, Happy and Free.
These Happy Days are your's and mine, Happy Days.
3 comments:
one starving musician came by to say: They tell me that that greener grass is just a mirage. I'd still like to be over there drinking cold drinks from a coconut--mirage, or no mirage.
j.e.
I love the "Happy Days" song, especially when you get a movie where it has that commercial in the beginning when you try to figure out which of the movies you've seen before.
Kate,
Perhaps you can distinguish between "growing up" as this culture defines it and "growing up" as you define it, or as other cultures define it, or as a completely new creation.
Personally, I find this culture's notions of "growing up" to be twisted and absurd and quite unhuman, so I'm all in favor of you NOT growing up, if it means doing so as dictated by this culture.
By the way, I'm not wishing I was a kid again.
And, these days, with climate change and the drought, the grass is pretty much browner everywhere you look...
Keep at it, girl. This is a wonderful medium for you. Maybe you'll share some of your own poetry one day, and not just the poetry of TV theme song writers?
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