What A Perfect Time For Fall

I couldn't ask for a better time to be moving away...and yet it's also the saddest way to leave. On one hand, I wake up every morning and I breathe in the cool dry air and the sun in my eyes seems to shine softer and the house and trees have this completely new, fresh, healing feeling to them. No part of the weather feeds my fears or my sadness...and even when I think about how hard it all is, there's still my favorite season in the background. The first few clear days of Fall make me happier than anything else. I step out onto the front porch, and I can remember the sounds of cutting pumpkins and cheap material swishing together from Halloween costumes. I find myself watching the community put together the pasture for the Jamboree or sitting on the porch swing of Cynthia's house after sleeping over. I feel my fingers in the cold water of the crisp stream in the back of our yard with Coffee at my side, or the feeling of pulling the cold fresh eggs from the chicken coop. I see Halloween candy wrappers strung about the house, annoying my mom...and feel the prickly ground beneath my feet, and there's the feeling of Christmas just around the corner. And all of this...all of the memories, the sounds, the feelings...heal me.

But I also find myself saddened by the thought of leaving them behind. I have no idea if my life is going to allow me to go back home as much as I'd like. What if I don't make it home for the Jamboree this year? And I don't get to sit on the porch and watch the community pull tables together and clear out the barn and arrange the pumpkin patch and park the tractor. What if I don't make it to the beach and get to play in the waves with the girls or make forts or have more fun vegging out in front of the TV than any other time. I won't be home to put up the Christmas decorations or sit in front of the perfectly decorated tree or hear mom play Christmas songs on the piano. I may not make it to Michigan to wake up early in the morning and open a huge stocking...or sit around with my fun family and laugh and open presents. Instead...I'll have to work, or worry, or save money.

What's interesting...is that since I've been around at home, schooling and having a long distance relationship...I've found myself feeling incredibly lonely at times when mom's at work all day and I'm homeschooling while my friends are at school and nobody is visiting and the absence of Robbie is starting to eat away at me. And all I could dream about was living on my own, with Robbie being there all the time, always having someone to hang out with and talk to. But now...I realize that...he's all I'll have for a while. I may have him around most of the time...but I'll be taking myself away from weekends with Cynthia, Potluck gatherings, parties, traditions, family...home. And I wonder if I'll still feel lonely, even after I have someone to sleep beside at night.

Fall is really where it's at, at the farm. And even though it makes me feel better while I'm still here, I also have to walk away from it. I have to experience Fall somewhere else...somewhere new and scary...and that's very exciting...but very sad at the same time.