Robbie and I have a lot of fun with each other...for the record. We're playful...we laugh a lot...we're almost always happy and having a good time with each other. If we weren't in love, our friendship would still be great.
I notice more and more how I let myself be who I am around him. I like who I am around him. I'm fun and goofy and cute...and I can just break into a goofy dance for no reason and not be self conscious...I can say something stupid and know that he won't judge me for it...I can mess up and...melt his shirt with the iron...and he won't hold it over my head and make jokes about it if I don't want him to. I can watch Reading Rainbow in the mornings...and listen to bad Britney Spears songs that remind me of being a kid...and I know he won't care. It's nice. There are few people that I can be completely me around. Even the people who I consider to be closer to me than anybody...usually get only one side of me...a serious mature side...or a goofy fun side. Rarely do I give both to someone. And I don't feel I need to. There's something nice about having relationships with people that come with a bit of a mask. I'm not sure I'd want everyone to know me completely...because it almost makes it more sacred. I can think "they don't know how awesome I am"....and smile and know that it's my little secret. I'm content with the fact that I'm a different person around different people...because I like all of my different sides...and to play up certain ones is fun. Like...I miss sometimes how funny and quick I could be around my school friends. I could be myself...but I could be the best version of that side of myself...I was witty...and everyone was always laughing...and everyone loved me for it. *shrug* I can work with that...
A while ago...after the first Terminator movie...Robbie and I got in a conversation about aliens and fate and all of those deep questions that nobody knows the answer to. Fate is a big one for me. I tend to walk around saying "I believe everything happens for a reason, not because I think it does, but because I get more out of it when I try to look for the reason." I really do think it's a good way to live. But sometimes I wonder if it's really true...if everything does happen for a reason. I don't like to think of it in the way of fate...cause fate makes me feel like someone's sick doll. But things having meaning...things that happen for certain reasons...maybe...and what the hell is with deja vu? I get it all the time...and it scares me. It's like "did I know this was going to happen?" Robbie can be very psychic sometimes and that can creep me out too. Just when you think you've got yourself figured out...you've got to figure out what the hell is going on in the world. It's crazy, I tell you.
The reason I bring this up...is because the other day...the coolest thing happened to me. I was lazing around...watching some crappy TV...and our remote stopped working. I started to get annoyed once I figured out it wasn't the batteries and couldn't figure out how to work it with just the TV controls. I got flustered and pissy and was short with Robbie about it. So I sat down and just grumped about for a few minutes. Then, outside...a squirrel caught my eye. It jumped on top of this bird house that was attached to a tree...and it looked ready to just leap into thin air. I couldn't help but be amused. I watched it for a bit...and ended up making squealy noises while it cleaned itself and scratched at it's face. It went away and I got up and got a drink...and realized...that was it. The world wanted me to stop watching TV and notice the nature outside of our apartment...and I did. I sat back down...and calmly figured out how to work the TV...and everything was okay. But it was nice to see the squirrel.
I guess some of you might read this and think "coincidence"...and some of you might think "God." and some of you might think "bullshit"...and some of you might think "right on." But it doesn't matter if anything magical or meaningful was behind it...what matters is that I learned something and noticed something about how I was being and what I didn't like about my life right now...and what I wanted. And I grew a little bit. And that's pretty cool...no matter what the cause was.
We're going to the wedding today. Yesterday we went to the rehearsal dinner cause Robbie is in the wedding (he plays the drums in the band in the song they're using as she walks down the isle...it sounds good). The church is ugly...I would never want to be married there. The dressed it up nicely but...nothing can make up for the obvious lack of nature...very few windows...no creativity...nothing inspiring. It really just looked like a big ugly theatre...with four really cheesily done stain glass windows. The walls are just plain ugly beige drywall....bad carpeting...high ceiling with lots of florescent lights and a huge butt ugly light at the top that looks like a candelabra gone all wrong...with miniature laps with lampshades instead of candles...all thrown together in a light bouquet. It's pretty bad. But after all of that...we went to the dinner...which was in a clearing outside...about 20 minutes up windy curvy mountain roads. It was very beautiful. They had a tent with lights all over it...and candles and everything...and it was just very pretty. I was like "why aren't they getting married HERE?" We had a fun time...and ended up sitting at a table with a bunch of young musicians and their girlfriends. One of the musicians was actually someone I recognized from American Idol...his name is Phil Stacy. It was pretty cool to sit across from him and get to know him. I had talked to him and another really cool guy who was sitting next to me earlier that night...they were very funny.
We danced and sat by a big bonfire and had good barbecue...it was a nice evening.
I'm not sure if tonight will be as much fun or more fun...the wedding will be very traditional which is always boring to me...but as interesting as church. And I'll be looking incredibly awesome in my dress so that'll be fun. Plus we get cake! Hopefully they didn't do anything stupid to it like add fruit to it in any kind of way. That will just make me sad. lol
Anyways we need to start getting ready. So more later all...
Love is in the midst of celebration,
Kate
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