There Is No Place Like A Home

So I'm back home from the farm...been home about 10 minutes tops and first things first? Write on my blog. I've been craving to do it for some time now. It gets things off my chest. (And you all thought I was writing to entertain you!)

The Jamboree was a blast. Probably the best one I've been to in a long time. I was never bored, I didn't have to help put it together, and all three of us siblings were there! Plus, Jack taught us a really cool Werewolves game which was a blast. It was a wonderful party.

But being back home was sad for me. A good sad, but sad nevertheless. I felt back and forth about things a lot...and with every feeling I had, I had the opposite. I was happy to be home, and sad to not live there any more. I was feeling sad that things had changed, but happy that I get to see my home in a new way. And sometimes I would feel as if I had never moved...like I had always been living there and that nothing had changed...but then at other times I felt like I had lost my home.

The time there was wonderful, of course...but I think it was a big step in really accepting that I had moved. Somehow through all of this...even though at times I've felt sad or homesick...I've pretty much adapted well. And sometimes I feel like none of it's real...like it's just a really long vacation that I over-packed for. In most ways, I still think of the farm and my mom's house as home. And so it was incredibly weird when...I only visited my home...and stayed in a guest bedroom...and had so few of my things with me. I kept wanting to live there again. I'd see the door to my bedroom closed and imagine my room...just the way I left it...still behind it...and I'd want to go in and plop down on my bed. And sometimes I'd want to put my hair up and my first instinct was to go to my bathroom and pull it out of my old drawer...as if all my stuff was still in there. And sometimes I'd want to put my shoes on to go outside...and I'd think "I don't want to wear my tennis shoes, I want my sandals" and I'd want to search around in the shoebox for a pair of shoes that wasn't there anymore. It was disorienting...to say the least.

College is definitely an easier transition out of your home....because for the most part....your home is still your home. Nobody thinks of their dorm as "home"...and everyone goes "home" for the holidays and the summer, where all of the things that they couldn't fit into their dorm still lay. But in the meantime...they get used to being away from home....and are better prepared to move out when they have to. For me...one day my stuff was in my room and I was living without any responsibility under my mom's roof...and the next...I was on my own....6 hours away...in this weird apartment....with a goofy guy....by myself. I don't regret the transition....I think I've handled it pretty well and I feel good about everything I've done and am doing. But I do realize...I probably could have made it a little easier on myself.

Naturally right now I'm sad. I'm always sad after a big event is over...but this time it's a little harder. I feel very alone sometimes here. Robbie's still at work...but even if he wasn't...it's still just him and me and this small, dark, yellowish apartment. And I think about Jack...and he gets to come home to a nice house...with a dog...and his best friends....and I can't help but think "I want that."

Luckily for now I can think "well I get to go back home in 3 weeks for Thanksgiving." and so it's almost like the time until then will just be fun time where I'll hopefully get a lead on a few things and make some more progress somehow...but there's no worries because...I'll still get to come home for something really fun eventually. And I get to think "and after that, I get to have two weeks of Christmas time with Robbie" and that will be really fun for us. And I get to think "and after all of that...I get to go up to Michigan with my family for Christmas" and I think it'll be a harder Christmas since everyone is moving about and who knows who'll make it...but still...it's family...and it's Christmas...and it's Grandma and Grandpa's...and that's nice. But then I have to come home...and there won't be any events to look forward too...and I'll just be far away with no good excuse to come home and little money to do so...and then what do I do? I'm terrified of that. Then what do I have to look forward to for a whole year?

I guess that's enough for now. I'm exhausted and sad and needing to lay down for a bit and zone out and relax and get over my stressful drive home from Jack's. So more later.

I love you all. You know how much.

And then love,

Kate