I've been feeling uninspired lately. I miss home a lot. I miss people. But what I really miss is...the farm in the Fall. And windows. Light. I feel like a lot of my inspiration comes from my setting. That in order to really feel like I can be inspired to do something...I need to have lots of light...windows...a calm place...people I love and like...clean air around me. But I feel guilty blaming it on where I am now. I'm in the mountains and it's gorgeous. But the apartment...as funky as I've decorated it...and as wonderful as the person is who's living with me...it isn't as comfortable. But I'm not sure how to find it because...when I was home...I wasn't inspired either. If it isn't my environment...than what is it?
I tried to talk to Robert about it but he did the man thing: he tried to fix it. So instead of being able to talk about it and share how I felt...I got lectured and told what to do. And that never works. But I know he was trying to help.
Here's what I remember as being the most inspirational for me: Vacations where I feel comfortable and have my own quiet place to be. Vacations that are hustly bustly...or that put me in situations that I don't feel comfortable or at home...have never helped my spirit. But vacations where...I got to have my own room or space. Vacations where I'm with family and feel comfortable and at ease. One of my favorite places to be, in my mind, is at my grandparent's house. It's familiar...it's comfortable...there's no responsibility or pressure...there's not very much stress or anxiety...and usually I get to have my own place to put my stuff and sleep. Either the guest room or the loft or the camper. I get to be alone and comfortable...stay up late...do whatever I want...and constantly be around my favorite people. And above all...it represents vacation...which means time off from the usual.
Another good place was home...but not home when home was a chore. Not home like my everyday living which could be boring and lonely at times. But home when there was action. Around Christmas or when people visited. Home when I had friends over. Home when everyone still lived together. That was when home was best. But there were times...when I could find some peace in being on my own...and I could sit outside and it would be quiet...and it was just me. Home was good then too. Home was good with Coffee at my side. Or Riley when we got close. Or Mellow when she didn't smell. Home was good with chickens to play with. Or when I was little and creak behind our house was the most amazing place in the whole world. That was good for me too.
Camp was perfect. Camp was new and exciting...it was bright and beautiful...cool at night but hot enough to swim during the day. We were outside all of the time. Our bunk houses were almost all screen walls. There were people around constantly...but that didn't mean you didn't have any time to yourself. There was always something to do. Someone to learn from. That was good for me.
The beach at Thanksgiving is awesome. I LOVE living under one big roof with everyone I love. And the houses are always so bright. And going outside...is the most exciting thing of all. And there's no responsibility.
Dad's house was nice. Always people to talk to...to REALLY talk to. Fun things to do...but no pressure to do anything. I sometimes found myself uninspired there...but mainly I was still calm about it. Somehow...I could be uninspired there...bored...and content about it. I liked the art all over the walls. I liked the windows that looked out at the trees. That was good for me.
When I look at this...and pick out the things about each place that made me happiest...here's what I find that I want: I want to have constant access to people that I know and love and feel comfortable around. But I want a comfortable way to get away from them and have some alone time too. I want there to be action outside. Things to do....or see..or just sit and enjoy. I want wherever I live...to be full of windows...I want white light to just race across the walls. I want simplicity...fun things to do sometimes...but a good amount of relaxing and talking. I want to have Robbie in my life...but not the only one in my life...and I want to feel secure...it not being around him all the time...but knowing that I can be with him whenever I want. I don't want to HAVE to do things...I want to WANT to do them. I want to have chores to do that I chose to do because they're things I need to do for myself. I want to be free and independent...but I want to have all the help and support I can get when I need it.
It feels natural to me to want all of this...but I've also been raised to believe...that it's silly too. Part of me thinks "you can have that...you deserve it...it's yours...and it's okay." The other part of me thinks "you can't have that...there's too much stuff standing in the way...you're being greedy...deal with what's at your feet now."
I want to come home. But I don't want to live at home. I want to be with Robert...but I don't want his presence in my life to change the things I really liked doing by myself. I want to be free and simple and have no responsibilities except for myself...but I want to be financially secure and have everything I need to get by.
What I hate...is how impossible all of this is...to have...right now.
This isn't what I want. I don't like the huge lack of windows in this apartment. It feels like it's strangling me. I know I probably shouldn't...but I blame my lack of inspiration on it in so many ways. I let it get to me...I let it effect me...and I let it stop me from doing what I want to do. I also don't like how little access I have to friends and family. How basically all I've been craving lately...is going to the beach...or going home for Christmas...or visiting my grandparents. That's all I've been wanting lately...and I've been wanting it like crazy. I've decided I'm going to find a way to go to Thanksgiving...AND Christmas. It's become important to me to do both...and I'll even quit a job if I have to as long as I get to go. It's almost like that's all that's driving me right now. I want to get a job...so that I have money for gas so I can get there...and presents for family at Christmas.
I'm living for the holidays. Which is okay now...but what the hell will I do when they're over?
Nuff4now
-Kate
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2 comments:
Not sure when you took that crash course in Human Maturity, sweetie, but the observations you are making these days, and the questions you are asking, indicate to me a startling level of self-awareness, wisdom, intelligence and maturity. Wow...
The question I've learned to ask about vacations these days is this: what is it about my life that I'm feeling like I have to vacate? In other words, how do I have my regular life set up so that I feel like I have to get out of it? That way, you can begin to look at the structural changes you can make in your regular life to have it work for you.
Sounds like you are getting more and more clarity about what you want and need. It's easy to get frustrated about that which you cannot now change, fer sure. So what are the things you can change, and how can you think outside of the box so that you can see what things might be changed?
yer Paw
Hi Katie!
I think it's PERFECT that you are learning what you want - there is nothing selfish about it! Without knowing what you want and love in life you can never create it for yourself. Once you are clear what you want, you can create it in amazing ways. You might find a place near home with wonderful light (your brand new library!) and spend more time there, or invite friends over for games to create the fun and conversation you want. It's wonderful that you are discovering and naming what you want. Go after it!!!
Hugs, Mom
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