So I got the application to Asheville off a few days ago. No worries in getting it done.
For the most part I think I just needed to really think and talk about it. To be honest, even as much as I said I'd be going to college next year, I didn't honestly believe myself. I kind of figured that I'd find another way or a better way or figure something out about myself that let me know I didn't need it. And the truth is...I don't need it. I don't think college is as necessary as people think. And part of me might have been trying to prove something by not going. 5 years later I've got a loving man, a nice place to live, everything I need, a good job, and I'm more in touch with myself than most people at my age and then I'd get to say "hey...look at me...I took a different route and ended up okay and intelligent and alive and well." And I know that if I did actually decide to launch into my life without college, I would be fine...and I'd still get a good education...and I'd still find a good job...and I'd still be a smart, wonderful, important person who's worth a lot in this world. But I don't want to not go to college just to prove a point.
Right now...I really do want to go. Not for the "degree" or so I don't have to fight the battle of people calling me the "high school dropout and collegeless dummy" which I'm sure would be an absolute blast. But I realize now more than ever how dependant I can be on Robbie. He's helped me a lot in figuring out who I am and in getting through some very scary things and I'm so thankful for that and won't ever regret how important he's become to me. But I also find myself still oddly scared about doing things by myself...and I know I need to face into that.
I don't want to try anything new alone or do anything by myself. I always want someone to lean on...someone who's got my back. Even just for silly little things like going grocery shopping. I don't like to be alone or handle things by myself...and I wish that I could give up the stress behind it.
What better way than to dive into college by myself into a big scary system that I don't understand and a group of people that I don't know and learn some vital things about myself?
The most changing/wonderful experience I ever had was when I went to Maine by myself for a summer. I jumped into a whole other world...totally by myself...almost completely unable to communicate with people I loved besides through mail which was rare, slow, and one-sided. I was thinking about it the other day and I was thinking "well, I wasn't really alone because I was always writing to people I loved, especially Robbie." But then I realized that...no matter what, I'll earase everyone from my life....I'll never have to totally go through life without the people I love...and I don't think I should have to, either. Sometimes I'll just need help and support and I'm okay with that. But really what I was doing when I was writing...was journaling. When I was writing, I was venting...and thinking...and working through whatever I needed to work through. And so really...I was working it out with myself.
And then it all comes back to who I am and what I do and the whole point of this blog. My whole life, I've written as a way of getting through. Even when I was little I wrote in a diary or I wrote poems (and hell if those aren't fun to look back at). And no matter what happens...I'll always have a notebook and a pencil to write about it. And that's really all I need to get through something.
So as of right now...sure, I'll go to college. I may not strive for the same things...I may not struggle to get all As or take all of the classes they want me to or even finish my degree. But hell if I won't learn something wonderful and have a great time doing it and make some good friends in the meantime. And you can bet I'll be writing the whole way through.
"Love" is my favorite thing to write
-Kate
3 comments:
Good. It'll be good for you. You say you don't think college is as important as everyone says, and I say I think it's MORE important than everyone says, but for none of the reasons they say. And if there's one thing you WON'T be in college, it's alone.
Leaving behind all of things that you're used to and jumping head first into something new and different where you need to learn to take care of yourself is going to do so much for you in the long run that, as much as you may hate it as you're doing it, you'll appreciate and miss all of it once it's over.
Also, I...think the...period key...on your keyboard...is broken.
College is an opportunity to explore subjects you'll never get another chance to in life. Try to find inspiring professors, and see if there is something new about which you are incredibly passionate.
You wrote:
"I'll never have to totally go through life without the people I love...and I don't think I should have to, either. Sometimes I'll just need help and support and I'm okay with that. But really what I was doing when I was writing...was journaling. When I was writing, I was venting...and thinking...and working through whatever I needed to work through. And so really...I was working it out with myself."
And that was REALLY smart. All of it. Of course you shouldn't and won't have to go through life without people you love. We are social/familial/tribal creatures and we aren't meant to do life alone without loving support. AND what you wrote about what was really going on when you were writing people was that you were journalling... well that's exactly right too. In the end it is finding what is inside that allows us to live wholesome, creative lives. Your writing to people you love was your way of feeling safe enough to really look inside, to use journalling as a spiritual discipline, to seek and then speak your truth, to know yourself.
Bravo, Kate. Wise insights for someone who has less than two decades. Many who have three times your years are not so clear or insightful.
Keep writing!
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