Holiday Hoopla

Wow. Just 6 days until beach-time. How awesome is that...

I wait the whole year for it to come...and then as soon as it does, I'm begging for time to slow down. Even now I'm thinking "No! Don't be here already! You're coming too quickly! You'll leave too quickly too!"

I really can't explain the beach better than...it's just the best. When I talk about it to someone...I can feel myself glowing. I almost feel selfconscious that I'm blinding the person I'm talking to with how completely ecstatic I am about it. It's better than anything. And this year...it's going to be better than ever...because I'm needing it more than ever, being away from the Potluckers more than usual. But that also means it'll be sadder when it's over. I hate that Saturday before we leave to go home from the beach...because the whole time all I can think about is "Last day here for a whole 'nother year." It's worse than the Sunday we leave, even...because at least Sunday you're accepting it and coping with it. But that Saturday...you're anticipating it...and that's the worst.

But then I'll have Christmas to look forward to. (Which will also come and go too fast.) I adore my family and I love going up to Michigan. But this year especially...so much has changed that I'm not even sure what to expect. I don't know if either of my siblings will be there. And an aunt and uncle have moved farther away and I don't know if they'll be around. And on my mom's side...there's no grandpa anymore...so that's sad and different. It's just...weird.

Change is expected...and in the end everything is really okay, it's just a little sad at spots...which I can handle. But I'm still resentful about something.

I can't expect everyone in my family to live their lives around old traditions...but I'm also angry that old traditions get put last in the big scheme of things. Work comes first. Bills. Pets. Gas. Stuff. But if I can decide for myself that a tradition comes first...why can't everyone else?

Perhaps they don't have the same connection to it that I do. Perhaps they're better at handling change than I am. Perhaps they have less wiggle room than I do. Perhaps someday...I'll put those things before tradition too.

It doesn't seem fair, though. And I don't mean it's unfair to me. I'll handle their absence okay if/when there is one. But it doesn't seem fair to them...if that's what they really want. And it doesn't seem like how it "should" be.

I feel almost selfish about saying all of this. I feel embarrassed to post it all thinking that a reaction to it might be "Get over it and suck it up" or "you just don't know, you're too young" or something of that sort.

But tribes made room for their traditions...didn't they?

In the long run...none of this is really what bugs me. In the long run...what bugs me is that the way this world works...takes us away from what I think are the most important things: family...friends...community...tradition...and fighting to do whatever it takes to be there for each other, if only once or twice a year these days. Some people aren't so lucky to have families and friends like mine. I've never understood the underlying stress of the holidays...or jokes about how awful it is to spend time with your family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. And I guess for people who hate their families...they shouldn't have to do what they don't want to do. So really...I don't know what I think about it.

I don't think there's a "should" that goes along with any of it, though...I just know that for me, personally...Thanksgiving and Christmas are the most important times of the year...not because of mashed potatoes and turkey...not because of presents and chocolate....but because it's the only time of the year that I have a great excuse to blow off work and rent and all the stuff that I should probably be paying more attention to...and be there for the people I love...and spend time with them...and let them know...I'm willing to fight as hard as I can to be there with them...even for just those few days.

And ultimately I just want everyone to know that that's how I see it...and that's why I haven't gotten a job yet, and why I'm leaving Robert at home, and why I'm going to do whatever it takes to spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with you...because that's what I think the holidays are really all about...fighting for each other. I love you all and can't wait to see you.

Love is a reach,

Kate