Yesterday I felt guilty cause I had nothing to blog about...and I worry that when I don't write blogs regularly, I lose readers. Hopefully that's not the case.
Today Robbie and I had a stressful errand day. Ran around paying bills, returning spoiled milk, getting meds, taking care of the mail belonging to the last person who lived here and all other kinds of things. We're bad procrastinators...we're working on it.
A big thing I'm procrastinating on is re-applying to UNCA. I'm working on it...have called them and left a few messages and emailed someone but haven't heard back yet. I have until the 12th.
But the big reason that I'm procrastinating has very little to do with the fact that I'm refusing to do it...but that I'm scared to.
I feel like I've figured out what I needed to figure out. I came here to figure out if Robbie and I work together...and despite a few annoyances, we do. I'm not saying it will last forever...I am saying that we work hard at our relationship...and we're damn good at it...and we have a ton of fun together...and I'm loving everything that I'm learning from him and the experience I'm getting from living with him. And that's exactly what I needed to know. I also came here to spend time figuring out what I want and who I am and what the big fat world looks like and my place in it. I can't say I'm done with that...I'll never be. But I've definitely come a long way in the process and am more and more clear every day about what I think...which feels great. I've found a website online that I think is really going to be a good place for me. The forum is over-run by tons of intelligent people discussing things like Philosophy, Religion, Society, Art, and the world in general...and what I've seen from it so far has led me to believe "damn...this is exactly the place I need to go to figure out what it is I think". They've had a pretty good reaction to me so far...I'm hoping to really get a lot out of it. I'm also helping myself a lot, health-wise. I'm not on any plan or planning on losing any weight...but I'm feeling better and healthier every day. We're very active...we play basketball, and walk, and I do exercises every day...and our kitchen is filled with awesome food. And we have notes all over the place to remind us to do stuff and remind us what we want. It's a good environment.
But I find myself thinking about college in two different ways. Part of me thinks "okay...this is the next step. I've figured out what I wanted to figure out before college...and now I can go and get that 'college experience' and make some good friends and take the classes that I want to take." But the idea of going seems like such a big scary step. So of course the idea of telling them "yes I'm still interested" seems like a big scary step too.
I want to go there and make friends and take art classes...but I've been fighting the school system for so long...that the fact that I'll have to look at "grades" again and take classes I'm not interested in haunts me. I also fear that I'll get into it and then have no way out if I hate it. It's college...it's expensive. I also just don't feel ready. I keep thinking I'll feel ready next fall but...since I don't feel ready now...I don't feel ready to commit to it. I don't want to live in a dorm...but we don't have the money to move to Asheville. And it's one step farther away from getting home. But I feel like it's the next step....like I can't go and paint the art I want to paint and sculpt the clay I want to sculpt without taking classes...and I want to be taking classes with younger people so the idea of just taking classes at a studio or some such thing doesn't sound appealing.
I keep hoping to find a better way to do it. Perhaps a different town and an arsty community college? I don't know...
But I do know...I don't want to go to college because I feel like I have to...or because I feel like it's expected of me...and for the most part...I fear that's the only reason I'm going. There's got to be a better way to learn art and make friends my own age and have a fun social experience. Why do I have to put a grade on it? Or pay so much money for it? Or lock myself into a system that never worked for me and only stressed me out and scared me?
But how do I find it?
For now I guess that's all...I'm hungry and need dinner...perhaps mashed potatoes and corn?
Yum.
Love gets an A
-Kate
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1 comment:
These are the questions that I would ask:
What is scary about the idea of going to college?
Why is the forum that is "over run with tons of intelligent people" NOT scary but the idea of going to college IS?
Why do you want "the college experience"? IS it important to you?
What is it about the idea of grades that you don't like or disagree with?
What is it about the idea of taking classes that you aren't interested in that bothers you?
Why do you feel like you have to go to college?
As I ask those questions I don't have any judgement one way or the other about whether you go to college or not. Its just not clear what you really think about those things from what you've written.
So here's a writing exercise:
Write for ten minutes as fast as you can, just letting it rip, not monitoring what you write, and writing only for you to read:
What I REALLY feel about going to college right now is......
Write as fast as you can. Keep your pen or fingers on the keyboard moving. If you don't know what to write start again with What I REALLY feel about going to college right now is....
Write solidly for 10 minutes and see what comes out. If something occurs to you and your mind says "I can't write (think, feel) THAT!" then go ahead and write it. That's where the juice is.
I'll be curious to hear how this works for you if you try it.
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