In Appreciation Of My Moment of Carefree Happiness

So. Last day here and I'm definitely ready to go home. I really don't work well here...and I need to be back in my own place, doing my own thing. Robert and I talked last night, and good news! He doesn't have to work late on Christmas Eve (they close early) and he doesn't have to work Christmas Day...so he's going to go spend Christmas with his friend Chad and his family. Which means I can go to Michigan and not feel too horrible about leaving him...besides the fact that he'll still have to walk to work in the cold and all that good stuff.

It was interesting last night...we were talking and the moment he said he didn't have to work on Christmas a weight was lifted...I was ecstatic. I wouldn't have to miss out on going to Michigan...I wouldn't have to feel bad about what he was doing on Christmas...and despite the regular concerns of him walking to work, I could just feel okay about everything. I was so happy. But then the conversation led into talking about him walking to work and his seizures and whatnot...and suddenly the happiness left in a flash. He told me he'd had a seizure on his way to work a few days ago...and I was upset all over again. He was fine...landed in the grass...no bruises or anything, just bit his tongue. But it scares me. He can do everything he can to stop himself from having a seizure...take his meds, take care of himself, eat well...but they won't leave him alone. He won't always be so lucky as to land in the grass. Last Thanksgiving he landed in the road and got hit by a car. It's horrible to have it hanging over your head all the time. I find myself constantly on alert...if he makes a blank face...or pauses...or does anything that seems like it could be the beginning of one...my heart stops for a second until I'm sure he's okay.

That's why...no matter what...I hate to leave him alone. That's why he can't drive...that's why he can't keep jobs...it's awful. He's heard of these dogs that are trained to sense when he's about to have a seizure. He'd really like to get one of them someday so that he'll at least have some warning. He could lay down on his side or something to at least prepare himself for it. It would be nice.

But alas...they would cost money...and we don't have the money.

I just hated how it felt...to be so free and happy and then BAM...taken. Something to worry about.

But I guess that's just one of life's little tricks. I still get to go to Michigan...but you can bet I'll be crossing my fingers for him the whole time.

More later

Love is life

Kate