It's weird to be home...always is. I have to get back into the groove of things...and sometimes the groove of things can be very depressing. Once I've gotten used to it...it feels right. But for the few hours that I'm adjusting...I'm questioning it.
It's hard to come home to Robert when he's in the condition he's in these days. Overall I think he's just generally breaking down more and more. Working at Shoney's really drains him...not only physically (he's always tired, sleeps a lot, and is generally stressed out)...but mentally too. I'm really hoping the whole switching roles and me working and him being at home will work out. I can't wait to start working...and I can't wait for him to stop.
We had a fun night tonight. I got home around 3ish and on my way, I saw him walking towards Shoney's. I parked and got out and ran up behind him and scared him and hugged him. I went back to the apartment and unpacked and grabbed some money and sat in his section and ate dinner there with him. When it started to get busy I went home and relaxed on the couch...and then went to pick him up and we got some ice cream and went home to decorate our apartment with Christmas stuff. It was a nice night.
While we were going to bed, Robert told me that one of his coworkers told him that a lady came in earlier to see if he was okay. It was the person who had stopped and stayed with him and called an ambulance when he had his seizure on the side of the road. Then he mentioned something I didn't know about seizures. The lady had apparently timed it after she got to him and it went on for 17 minutes AFTER she arrived...so it could've been much longer. He said that when seizures that big happen for that long...there's more of a chance that the person will go into a coma...and not come out.
*BOMB*
Then he fell asleep cause he apparently stayed up all last night cleaning...so now I'm sitting here with this news and all I can think is "damn it".
You know how I talked all about how I day dream about the perfect scenarios? Well I also think about the worst case too. For the last few years that we've been together long distance...not always knowing where he is and not always being able to keep in touch with him has been a scary thing...so I would find myself laying in bed at night after a few days of no contact with him...imagining that he had died...or was in a coma. For some reason...I found myself thinking about it a lot...I feel like I've been expecting something horrible to happen ever since we met...and now...to know that what I've been thinking is actually plausible...I'm even more terrified. I wonder if all the thinking that I do about that particular awful event...puts bad energy into it...and dooms him...or if it's good for me because it prepares me. Can you ever really be prepared for something like that?
I don't really know what to do with this information. The only thing I know how to do is shove more and more medicine down is throat and try to keep his stress level down...and cross my fingers.
As awful as this all sounds...some things still feel true to me: whenever anyone brought up the concern of him dying before me, either because of his age or health...I always said that I'd rather have a few wonderful years with him than none at all. And that's still true. And when we lived apart from each other...I always said that the idea of never having gotten the chance to live with him and try to make it work before something terrible happened was scarier than the idea of something terrible happening after we at least had a chance to be together. This isn't to say I'd be okay with it if he died now since we've been together...but it is to say that...despite what I expected...I'm actually really a tiny bit more at peace with the awful idea...than I was when we were apart.
This probably sounds so weird. Either it sounds too upbeat for such a terrifying issue....or just sounds crude. But I can't help but think about it. It's real...and it's possible...and it's a chance I'm taking...and I don't know what I would do if it actually happened...but maybe I'd be in worse shape if it did...if I stayed in denial about its possibility.
But could I be jinxing it? Is our thinking about it...going to make it happen? And is there a way that mentally...he can stop this from happening? I believe in lots of mind over matter things...so I guess what I'm really wondering is...if he decides it won't happen...the way my mom decides she doesn't get sick...or the way fire walkers decide they won't get burned...is that being strong...or being in denial?
And overall...how do we fight this? Is there anything we can do? Or do I really just need to cross my fingers and think happy thoughts?
I'm unsure...but I'm open to other people's thoughts on this.
Love is a chance
Kate
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Kate,
I want to respond to this part that you wrote:
This probably sounds so weird.
---It doesn't sound weird to me. As usual you are simply being honest and open. I suppose in the context of this f'd up culture that is weird. But its not weird to me.
Either it sounds too upbeat for such a terrifying issue....or just sounds crude.
---Again, you are being real. You are grateful for the experience and the time you have with Robert. You are grateful for this present moment. That is not upbeat or crude. It is real. Anyone who loves someone risks losing them to all kinds of things: trucks, toxic poisoning,etc. It's part of the territory. And being grateful in the moment for what you have seems wise beyond your years, but who is counting?
But I can't help but think about it. It's real...and it's possible...and it's a chance I'm taking...and I don't know what I would do if it actually happened...but maybe I'd be in worse shape if it did...if I stayed in denial about its possibility.
---- Yeah. It's better not to be in denial. Most people walk around in denial about how precious life is and how vulnerable we ALL are. But that just keeps them from feeling the profound gratitude that they can feel for what they have right now.
But could I be jinxing it? Is our thinking about it...going to make it happen?
---I think this is a trick our "rational" minds play when we are confronted with things that are outside of our control. We make up that thinking about it is going to make it happen. Actually the stress of NOT thinking about it, of being so scared that it stays harbored away but creating stress and using large amounts of energy to keep the reality at bay is probably more likely to cause it. Being grateful for each moment, being centered in the NOW, which in cludes the possibility of loss in the future, is likely to be less stressful and more fulfilling.
And is there a way that mentally...he can stop this from happening? I believe in lots of mind over matter things...so I guess what I'm really wondering is...if he decides it won't happen...the way my mom decides she doesn't get sick...or the way fire walkers decide they won't get burned...is that being strong...or being in denial?
---What brings you more alive? To try real hard to "make" it not happen? Or to be in joy in the moment that right now everything is okay and being prepared for the worst, accepting the possibility, actually brings more peace than struggling against that possibility?
And overall...how do we fight this? Is there anything we can do? Or do I really just need to cross my fingers and think happy thoughts?
---I'd google it and see if there are alternative things to do, like yoga, meditation, quiet times in nature, vitamins. If there are reasonable things but they cost money then you cross that bridge when you come to it. You do what you can but you realize that we are all living on borrowed time. Every breath is a gift.
And you are a gift.
Post a Comment