So Jack and I are crashing at mom's for a while until Jack hears from his temp agency that he's got a job. It should only be a few more days but in the meantime...I'm trying to figure out if I should even go home.
It seemed worth it to go home even for just 10 days or so to spend time with Robert before Christmas. But now that our time together is getting shorter and shorter, I'm wondering how smart it would actually be to spend the money it would take to go home...and if I even really feel like I need to.
If I stay here...there's a good number of things that I'd like to do. The Potluck Christmas party...baking Christmas cookies with mom...I'd get to see both Ella and Madeline's dance recitals....I'd get to go to a play with mom...and I'd get free meals and an easy place to stay for a while. But I'd miss Robert so much...and I'd feel so guilty leaving him at home by himself for such a long time. Plus, being home isn't as easy as cake either. I find that I'm less comfortable here than I am at my home. I'm less myself. And I'm easily hurt by remarks that my family makes about how I am. I get easily frustrated with myself...because I'm constantly being judged...and constantly judging myself. When I'm home with Robert...I can just be. If I leave a glass out, he doesn't roll his eyes and say "oh typical messy Kate...will never learn to clean up after herself." If I say something stupid...he won't point it out or jump on me for it. And if I let myself be vulnerable...he won't take advantage...or make me feel embarrassed for it. In the long run...being with him tops all. So I would rather come home to him for a just a bit. But then I wonder if we even have the money to do so. He can get by walking to work and eating at work...but I'll need money...grocery money...gas money. And plus...when we have a car and things to do and places to go...we want to splurge on things like renting movies and going out to eat...and so it could take a big chunk out of money he's not making for me to come home. Not to mention we also need to spend the money for a bus ticket back from Durham after Christmas since Jack won't be around. And somehow I'll have to find a way to get from the bus station in Asheville to Jack's house to pick up my car and drive home...and so we might have to pay someone to pick me up. All in all...it would be spending extra money that we don't have.
So I'm left with this impossible decision. After all of that it seems to make sense just to stay. It's simpler, it's free, and there would be a few very fun things to do. But it wouldn't be easy being away from Robert for so long...and being left at home in a system that doesn't work for me for so long. I just don't know what to do.
And to top it all...I panic when it comes to making a decision. I always have. If someone says "do you want to stay home or go out?" and I don't know...I freak out about making the wrong decision.
I remember when I was really young...we were living at the cabin...and for some reason I don't remember anyone else being home except for dad and I...but he had to leave for a few minutes. I was watching The Jungle Book and so when he asked if I wanted to go with him or stay there, I said I wanted to finish my movie. He left but as he was pulling out of the driveway I made the last minute decision to go with him...but was too late. I remember running out the door and chasing him for a second...but he didn't see me and I was really upset. I always think of that when I have to decide something small like this. I get scared that I'm going to make the wrong decision and really regret it. And ever since then it's gotten worse and worse...because I've have regretted it a bunch of times. I decided to stay at home while everyone else went out to do something fun...and felt awful about it. Or a huge one was the time when we were in Italy and I was too tired from not sleeping on the plane and walking around Rome all day in the heat that I decided to go to the hotel and sleep...and everyone else decided to take a fun tour around the Colosseum and get ice cream and rub it in my face when I got back. It seems to come up a lot in my life...I decide to do something that I feel I need to do more for myself...but end up missing out on something I wish I hadn't. So when it comes time to make a decision like this...I panic about it. What if I stay here and I get bored and irritated with mom and the things that I want to do don't work out or don't make up for the rest of it? Or what if I go home and spend too much money and find that I wish I were doing the things I wanted to do while I was at home and it ends up being harder to leave him again for Christmas than it would've been to just decide to stay?
I think I'm just doomed to regret it no matter what decision I make. But more than anything I just want someone to tell me what to do so that I can blame it on them when it wasn't what I really wanted. But Robert won't help me with that one. lol
I guess I'll figure it out. Thought I'd try writing it out to see if that got me any closer to making a decision but...it didn't really.
So...more later
Love is a good choice
Kate
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1 comment:
Making choices is nothing to be afraid of... but deciding is. If you decide it means that you're letting other people's choices lead you to the conclusion that it is also the right thing for you, so when you decide - you settle.
However, making a CHOICE is something you shouldn't ever regret. By choosing what path to take you are doing what you want to do, regardless of how other feel about it. So, no matter what, you shouldn't regret it.
Make the choice that you think will be the best opportunity for you to have enriching and fulfilling experiences. After you make your chioce, be proud of yourself for choosing and not deciding. The difference erases all regret and you can find peace in that knowledge.
I hope that wasn't too abstract. You are brilliant and beautiful.
Angela
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