Back from the beach. Safe and sound. Crashing at mom's house for a bit until Jack gets a job to come home too. Unsure how long we'll be here. Missing Robert in the meantime.
The beach was fabulous...of course....and just as I knew it would, the time flew by, and leaving felt only a day after arriving. It was an odd year but not in a bad way. There weren't as many families this year...we actually ended up with two extra rooms which did end up getting taken eventually by a last-minute invite and lack of space in mom's room for all of her kids. I stayed with all the girls for the first time in a long time. I tend to enjoy having my own space when we're at the beach. When I'm on vacation especially...I'm fanatic about neatness and well...to say the least...sharing a small room with 4-6 girls doesn't always cut it for me. But since it was either that or a blow up mattress on mom's floor...and since there were less girls than usual this year...Bevan and I claimed the more comfortable bottom of the pyramid beds and I actually really enjoyed sleeping with them despite my odd need to fall asleep before everyone else and my pinch of panic when I didn't...another oddity of mine...
Besides the smaller crowd, there was a lot less activity going on. Usually when we're at Nag's Head we take advantage of all there is to do around there. Movies, Jockey's Ridge, Maneo, Kitty Hawk Kites, Aquariums, day trips....there was barely any of that this year and the only event that I personally attended was a trip to the movies with just the girls, Max, and I to a very silly Disney movie.
Still, we always managed to find something fun to do...and time insisted on pushing onward.
It was beautiful the first few days there...probably the warmest it's ever been and we took advantage of it by spending time on the beach, taking walks, and climbing all over a wooden "thing" (that's the best name I've got for it) that we called a pier which we'd stand knowingly putting ourselves in danger of getting soaked...and more often than not, we walked home dripping. I'd have to say climbing on that was probably my favorite thing we did. It was so scary walking out on it...inching over these slender boards and stumps to get as far out as we could, only to have a big wave splash up over us and swallow us, screaming and giggling the whole time. I suppose you could have called it dangerous, but that was half the fun of it. And in the long run, it wasn't as dangerous and a lot of other things people dare to do...and probably just as much fun.
We played lots of games. Board games, card games, Kemps, Spoons, Hearts, Bullshit...whatever we could think of really. We watched a bit of TV, and ate almost continuously. We dipped in the hot tub at least once a day, I think...and played a few games of Hide and Go Seek and Sardines until I found a spot only one person ever found and that turned it into more of an annoyance than a fun squeeze-into-hiding game. One of Bevan's cousins ended up coming and he was a nice new addition to the group. And Bevan taught me how to love steamed Alaskan Snow Crab legs. I could probably tell so many other things about the trip...but it would take as long as the vacation itself. Whatever the case, it was a blast...and I miss it already.
I don't remember every going to the beach and not engaging just a little bit of drama though. If it wasn't a fight between the Potluck girls it was some sort of personal relationship at the time...and so it didn't surprise me when I stumbled upon something to be sad about a few nights ago.
I called Robert after he got home from work...and as usual was missing him and wishing he was there with me...but I ended up getting really down during the conversation. Robert thought he was going to make a good chunk of money on Thanksgiving but ended up only making $35. He said the day crew were the ones who scored big. I imagined him at home...walking to work in the cold on Thanksgiving...not having had anything good to eat...working all night at a slow, depressing restaurant...accepting that again...like every year...this is what Thanksgiving looks like. It made me sadder than ever. And I realized...I couldn't bare the thought of him doing the same thing on Christmas.
The place he was hoping to get a daytime job at never called him back. And knowing Shoney's, he won't get Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off...so it's likely it will be a similar story for Christmas. It makes me so sad. And I was so upset about it all over the phone that night...and I said "maybe I won't go to Michigan this year". He told me he wouldn't let me do that. "I'm used to this" he said. "This is what Christmas always looks like for me." In my mind, it's about damn time that comes to an end. How unfair that such a wonderful person...gets so mistreated by this world...that he gets to say "I'm used to this." I'm so sick of hearing that.
But now I'm just confused. More than anything in the world I want to tell him to just quit his job and come with us. And we talked about it as a possibility...but realized how little of a chance it had at working. He'd have to quit his job and we'd have to find the money to pay for everything for that month and some of the next month while the both of us find something. Plus whatever money it would take to get back from mom's after Christmas since Jack won't be with us and I was thinking on taking the bus. I thought of maybe asking everyone who might give me money for Christmas this year to just give it to us early so that we could make do without him working and he could come with us...but I figure anyone who's giving me something has already planned on what they're giving me. And on top of that...I got the feeling it would make people uncomfortable to have him along. We don't want to ruin anyone's Christmas or put anyone out. And doubt even if we added up any Christmas money...we'd manage to get enough to really pay for everything.
So we thought about a different route. Maybe I stay home. But we didn't like the idea of that either. We don't have the money to buy a tree or anything really Christmasy...he'd still have to work that night so chances are, I'd just be at home watching bad TV and wishing I were visiting my family until late at night when he got home, tired, upset and in need of my attention when I'm in need of his. I can almost imagine this would lead to a fight and play out relatively similar to what our Halloween looked like. The feeling that it should be more special than it is...and realization that in the end...it will just like every ordinary day.
So we're left with our original plan. I go to Michigan and wish he were with me....and he'll stay home and put himself last and end up playing out the same Christmas he always has. And after realizing all of this...there was little else to do but cry, hang up the phone...brush it off...and go to bed.
I'm not sure what we'll decide. All I know is that...I'm furious that our choices suck...and that so much sadness can come from such a wonderful day. I'm sure something will get worked out and it'll all be okay...but let me be sad for now until it is.
Merry Christmas and love,
Kate
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment