Unindependance

SURPRISE! I'm posting when I said I wouldn't...I just couldn't stay away...what can I say...(dot, dot, dot, dot)

I really didn't think I'd have much access, nor time, nor thoughts to write blogs while I'm away.

But now I'm remembering how much I ramble about in my head when I'm away from the norm.

And you thought I was wordy on blogger? PFFT. You haven't been in my head!

Now to stop double spacing every sentence.

Soon.

Maybe.



I get the feeling this post will be long and all over the place. A long stream of thoughts without any connection between them besides that I was thinking it. Maybe I'll pull off relating them to one another.

I'm at home right now. Sitting on mom's slow computer...bathing in the once annoying yellowish light that the wood in this house gives off at night. (These days, I feel lucky to have light at all given the shape of my apartment...so the yellow doesn't bug me as much as it used to.) The first time back here after I moved was awkward for me. It was home...but not. It was comfortable...but not....I already went over all that in another post though. This time it hasn't really phased me yet that I don't live here anymore. As soon as I visited for the Jamboree and realized...I'm only visiting...coming back home to Franklin was really...coming home. It was hard and sad for me...but ultimately...it felt nice. Leaving again for so much longer this time has been hard. I found myself missing Robert more than ever last night as I laid on Jack's couch and struggled to get to sleep. I don't think I've ever missed him quite so much. I felt homesick. I felt needy. I felt scared.

I guess I'm a bit pathetic in that way. When I was younger I had a hard time spending the night away from home. I'd try to spend the night at friend's houses but would end up crying until my friend's parents called mom and dad to come get me. I think they tried to get me to sleep away from home a few more times when I was younger, but I didn't get over it. It haunted me when I was growing up. Friends and family didn't understand the big deal...and when it started to be really fun and popular to spend the night at your girlfriends house...or go to sleepover birthday parties...I didn't want to miss out but it was difficult to push myself into it. I eventually grew out of it a little bit, realizing that as long as I was keeping busy and having fun, I wouldn't need to go home...and instead I became scared of the possibility of getting scared. I'd go away and think "Oh no! What if I get that awful feeling again!". Even now...at 18 years old...living away from home...having traveled all over, having spent countless hours away from "home"...I still find myself in the position sometimes that I'm feel lonely or scared away from home.....or get scared of feeling scared again. I'm vulnerable more at night than any other time for some reason. I spend the hole day calm and upbeat...but as soon as I lay down and close my eyes and "try" to sleep...I think of all the things I'd rather not and end up watching the clock and freaking out when I realize that the sun should rise soon. And then a whole other panic attack hits me when it's almost morning..."what if I never get to sleep?!" I don't know how that one turned it's ugly head...perhaps it's related to my trouble away from home but I don't see an obvious connection. But these days still...if I can't sleep and start thinking about how late it is...I work myself into a panic and end up scared and upset. I can tell myself "the world isn't going to end if you don't get much sleep tonight" but it doesn't work. You would think it would only haunt me when I feel like I need to do something the next day that I need to be awake for...and mainly that's when it happens, but in the rare occasion that I manage to stress myself out so much that I can't get to sleep before a day that I have absolutely no plans at all except to lay around...I still get that awful scared feeling. I don't know how to heal it. I don't know how to overcome it. I can try to talk to myself calmly as much as possible in the moment...reason with myself that really...there's absolutely no reason to feel the way I feel. But then all I'm doing is trying to pressure myself into not feeling how I feel...and that doesn't work either.

It's been something that has effected me since before I can remember. And it's one of those embarrassing things that I hid from everyone when I was growing up. I'd plead with my best friends not to tell anyone...and when they did it ruined me. "Kate's afraid to sleep over at other people's houses!"

I find I don't need to care if people know now. I'm guessing that almost everyone reading this has either had or still has some kind of irrational fear...or at least knows someone who does (besides me). I heard of a girl who was afraid of pennies...I wouldn't want to be her. And I can guess that part of being her...includes being embarrassed about her fear...and hiding it. And I really don't want to have that. And hell, if you know anything about it, have studied it, or know how to help me work through it, I'm open to recovery. Perhaps all I need is some good therapy.

Whatever the case, I was feeling that last night. Not to the extreme that I've had it...I didn't end up flipping out, and probably got about 6 hours of sleep in the end. But I was feeling scared. And I was feeling homesick. And my mind was racing all over about all of these stressful things going on in my life and how I was going to figure everything out. And luckily...I did figure some things out. Which I will share....finally.

One main thing I was thinking about was just the events in my life right now. The holidays, rent, Robbie...the usual. I'm still worried about how it will feel to go back to Franklin after all the holiday hoopla is over and have to get a job and really finally settle into life a bit. I worried about college and if I'm ready and what I want and how I want it to be. I worried about Robert and if he was okay...wishing I could talk to him. I worried about our relationship and whether it was healthy. I worried about my relationships with other people and whether they were healthy. I worried about my friends. I worried about how the HELL I'm going to manage buying Christmas gifts this year. I worried about spending Robert's money even though he thinks of it as our money. I worried about all those things and more. I worked up one hell of a worry storm that end the end...one might say doesn't solve anything. But it did solve a few things. It doesn't help situations to freak out about them, no...but it doesn't help them to ignore how you feel about them either. If I want to freak about things...perhaps I have the right to.

Above all of that, (and believe me, I could expand on every single one of the things listed, I just figure you don't need to hear it)...I worried about myself.

I do this a lot. I evaluate myself more than I think might even be healthy. I wonder if I'm moving in the right direction. I wonder if who I am and how I am works.

Last night I had a thought about myself. I'm unsure if it's "right" but...it felt like it explained who I am fairly accurately. I'm a very dependant person. Which could explain my fear of being away from home...but many other things as well.

When I think about it...my whole life...I've grabbed on to someone. When I was younger it was my family....my parents in particular. When I got older it was the crushes that I had on guys...and my friends. And when I met Robert...I clung right on. I look back at how we met and who I was then and what our relationship looked like...I can't help but roll my eyes and think "I was so silly"...but that's the story of my life. I've always looked back at myself and thought "I was so silly". I've changed a lot since then and I feel smarter about the relationship...but I feel like I almost found comfort in him...and safety in him...and ended up needing to hold onto that. I find it hard to be independent from him. And I know I've covered this before but there was no explanation.

I wonder if this is just who I am. Or if this is unhealthy. My whole life...my biggest role models have been independent people. I'm so jealous of people who seem fearless...who can live alone...or do anything they want without needing someone with them. My mom is a biggie. After dad left she became the definition of Independence. And boy do I feel like a failure when I compare myself to that. "How does she do it all alone?"....I wonder. And my brother and my dad too. They never hung onto anyone. They were never dependant. They were "healthy normal people"...who could drive without someone by their side giving them directions...or ask for help without someone comfortable next to them to hold their hand. And Cynthia...and Grandma...I wish every day that I could be more like them. They'll start a conversation with anyone...they have nothing to hide...they never get embarrassed.

Perhaps I look up to these people because I'm not like them...and wish I were. But I can't figure out if I look up to them because I "should" or not. Is it unhealthy to need someone? My whole life I've been told that it is. All the independent people that I know say it is. "You should never need anyone!" they say. But I've also heard a lot of other stories I get told....a lot of other ways that I "should be" that I'm not that I know I don't need to listen to. So what about this one? Am I only wondering so that I don't have to face into it? Do I know the truth and just don't admit it? Or am I okay...needing him....needing someone...being dependant on comfort and love and help?

I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out. I just worry that if it doesn't feel right...it isn't. And how can being dependant on someone be okay if it's accompanied by all the fear that comes without that person? And if it isn't okay...how do I overcome that fear?

Enough for now. Happy holidays.

Love is dependant

-Kate