Moving, Move, Moved

So we're here. Durham. We have a nice apartment...we're close to everyone we love...we have some nice furniture...everything is going pretty smoothly. I'm even close to getting the perfect job. I haven't officially gotten it yet, but the manager that I've spoken with several times really likes me and I think it's safe to say, I'll probably be starting there soon. It would be really perfect for me. The job would be at Lane Bryant....which is a store at Northgate that I've always liked...(they sell clothes for bigger women...mostly). Everyone that I've met there has been really nice and I think I've presented myself well so...I'm hopeful. Robbie is having less luck...not in the way that he can't get a job...he went on an interview today and it ran pretty smoothly...he thinks he'll get a call tomorrow. But he isn't having much luck finding a job he WANTS. Luckily...I think with our salaries combined and the low costs of our rent and utilities, he'll be able to work a temporary job wherever he finds first and then look for other jobs in the meantime. Everything is working out okay...a few glitches and speed bumps here and there but nothing that we can't handle. We don't have the money to buy much of anything so...today when we ran out of toilet paper we knew we'd have to make room for that expense. It's weird how things like toilet paper can seem like such a huge buy. But...as usual...we're fine with being poor.

Right now it seems like everything is just hanging on getting jobs. It's like what our whole life is revolving around and besides putting in applications it seems to be pretty much out of our hands. Time goes by slowly when you're waiting for a phone call.

I'm totally in love with this apartment, though. I feel like my mood has totally changed...I feel more...secure. It's weird how much that sunlight factor really does make a difference for me. I'm more myself. I feel more...courageous. Odd.

I'm still struggling with whether or not I'll be going to college. I have one more month to decide...and that doesn't seem like enough time to me. I've been ignoring it because...for the most part I just don't want to stress out about it. I'm trusting that I'll know what to do...and that whatever decision I make will be the right one. It isn't that I don't want to go to college...I just don't know WHEN I want to go. I figure that eventually I will but I seem to be waiting for something to happen...like a sign to guide me the right way. I'm not sure how else to find the answer. What I know is this: in my mind, college would provide two things for me-the opportunity to really immerse myself in what I think is important for me to be doing...and the opportunity to do that among a group of people similar to my age. Those are the two things that I want, that college would provide. However...in my mind they seem like rather basic needs...and needs that I could probably fulfill in many other ways without having to pay tons of money and get bogged down by the school system and have to move far away again and figure out all the complicated stuff that I don't know how to sort out like what to do about my relationship with Robbie. But I haven't found that other way...and it doesn't seem to be as easy as just going to college. Part of me is angry because it feels like if I just decide what I think I will decide (which is to put it off for another year), that everyone and everything will complicate it for me. That just because I need a little more time to figure out what I want to do in this world...the whole world now has reason to make it harder for me. And when I complain about it...they get to say "we told you so!" or "well, YOU knew it would be harder...you had a choice!" In my mind, I don't have a choice...because I have to chose whatever is best for me...regardless of what everyone else thinks.

The other night I found myself sitting in my apartment with absolutely nothing to do and nobody to be with. I was incredibly depressed. Most of our stuff was with my mom because we had traded cars in the move so she had our van full of stuff for a week while she went to a workshop and I had the truck full of furniture for the week which included non of the things I do to keep busy. So I had a comfortable couch to sit on...but no movies or TV to watch...no art supplies to create anything...no games or puzzles to keep myself busy...and nobody to just hang out with...Robbie was sleeping and Ella was busy and everyone else was too far away. So I just had to sit there and really feel what it felt like to not have any distractions. And it got me thinking about life. To my mind...everything we do feels like a distraction. I got really confused about what I was supposed to be "doing". Or what wasn't considered a distraction. If you look at an animal...they pretty much sleep all day...and when they're not doing that, they're acting on basic survival skills and that's about it. But when I'm just sitting there...doing nothing...or sleeping in all day...I feel bad about myself. I feel lazy. But anything else just feels like a distraction from doing nothing...something to keep busy...or pass the time. I don't want my entire life to be only about passing the time and distracting myself from the bitter fact that really all I need to do is eat and sleep to be living (and the few other basic things). So I tried to think of what I thought was actually important...actually worth something. And I ended up defining that as whatever it was that made us truly happy. For me...it's always been the company of others...and art. Which is why earlier when I was talking about college...I phrased my need as "doing what I think is important". Because it isn't so much about doing anything....or doing what I want to do...as it is that I need to feel like what I'm doing has some sort of meaning to it. Although I can be very content just keeping to myself and spending time alone...when it comes down it it...I realize how much people mean to me. In the end, it's all I really care about and all I really need to make me truly happy. Even art, I can give up. But what I find most saddening is the fact that in my life...good company seems to be the hardest thing to find...and the hardest thing for me to hold on to. I'm happiest when I'm with my friends and/or family...when I'm spending quality time talking to the people I really love. This past weekend at the farm when Robbie and I spent the weekend for Easter...was the best weekend we've had together since we've been living together. It wasn't just us. It was us and friends. It was us feeling comfortable and accepted. Everyone at the farm was so loving and sweet and accepting of us...and we've needed that for so long now that it makes my eyes tear up with how grateful I am to have all the Potluckers at my side. We've really needed some good friends...people besides each other to talk to and hug and share with. It was so great to be there...I feel so lucky to have all the wonderful people that I have in my life. I must've done something really cool in my last life to be given such a great one this time around. I'm soooo grateful.

The other thing I want right now besides friends and family...is art. I want to have my hands on a pottery wheel again. I've been so far away from art lately....I really want to incorporate it into my life again.

If I can find another way to get these things without going to college...then I don't see why I would go. But until then...I'm still not sure what to say when people ask me. So don't ask me. Just wait and see, and give me suggestions along the way if you'd like.

I love you all so much

Love is something important

-Kate