My Final Decision, Finally

For a while now I've been back and forth about college. Recently it got to the point that I was so confused about and so unsure that I just put it in the back of my head and refused to dwell on it, keeping faith that I would figure it out when I needed to. But the deadline to have your deposit due, ensuring your enrollment in the fall, is May 1st. And so every day it got closer to the end of April, I was more and more upset that I hadn't figured it out.

Yesterday I checked my email to find a message from the admissions office reminding me that I hadn't yet sent it in and that I need to asap. I tried to get it off my mind, but I had to make a final decision. I had been telling everyone I didn't think I would go...I had been making plans assuming I wouldn't go. But lately everything just seemed to be telling me that I needed it. I've been oddly unhappy lately every now and then and the only reasons I could think of that I was unhappy was because I didn't have a good circle of friends or art yet. And the only way I could think of to GET those things...was to go to college. I didn't know what to do.

Last night I finally broke down which resulted in me being incredibly rude to Robert and storming out of the door, leaving him behind, and taking a walk. I knew I was being rude, but I also knew, somehow, that I just needed to be alone and take a walk and think things over. Our apartments bump up right up against the Duke Forest walking trails and we'd been planning on taking a walk together through them but we just hadn't yet.

I was too confused to weigh the options. It frustrated me that as much as I thought about it and weighed each side, neither one came out strong. I knew the pros and cons, I knew what was in store for me on each side and I still couldn't clearly decide for once and for all what to do. Then I suddenly heard dad's voice in my head when he had given me advice about an earlier problem...I remembered him saying that I could ask the universe for a sign. I hadn't before...I didn't really think I would find anything. But I did...and one came. I had been walking and I suddenly stopped in the middle of the path. I had just passed a fork in the path and walked only a little bit past it when I stopped. I looked behind me and realized it was a metaphor. I had already chosen which way to go...I was already headed that way...but now I wondered if I should turn around and go back. But as I stood there...I could feel myself wanting more than anything to keep going the way I had been going. And if I really wanted to try that path, I could later. I knew it would meet up again to mine somehow. But right now...I wanted to go my way.

I've already decided not to go to college this Fall. I realize it's a harder path...I realize it isn't what some people want for me. I realize it won't get me money, and I'll have to work harder to find a new circle of friends and get involved in art. But that doesn't mean I won't figure it out. And if I don't...I'll have to wait a whole year with the burning desire to go to college...and by the time I go, I'll be more prepared for it than ever, and REALLY ready for it. And I think that's fine.

For right now, I have other plans. I need to teach myself more self discipline. I need to find a healthier lifestyle. I need to work harder at my relationships with people. I need to study the world around me more and figure out my place in it. I think that's pretty fucking worthy anyways. Someone told me I was a student of life...I forget who, but I remember it and it fits. College right now can only give me an easy way out...an easy fix to things I need to work on. A college degree can only get me a better paying job...but not the job I want. Who gets a better paying job as a potter? I never had plans to be wealthy. I've always had plans to be happy. And I am happy. If I don't deserve the same privileges because I didn't go to college, fine. But I think I deserve the same respect, the same privileges, the same status as anyone else because I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm trying probably MORE than a lot of the people I know who went to college. But hey, make it harder for me if you want to, you big bad world. I'm strong enough to stand it.

Love has no textbook,

Kate