It's been a while, right? And I bet nobody still checks this thing but if/when I start writing on it again, I'll let you all know and you can start back up reading...but only if I start to use it regularly again. It still might be a while. Internet is not easily accessible to me and when I do happen to be on I'm not in a very comfortable place. I'm either in an uncomfortable chair in the West Village apartments' business center and having to share it with anyone who comes in, at the noisy and distracting library, or I'm at the business center at our apartments where there's only one very slow computer with a keyboard that only works every few letters. So you can forgive me for not staying on it much.
Plus I've been coasting lately...not doing much of anything except working and trying to survive. It's obnoxious really and feels pretty unsatisfying. I just keep thinking "what's the point?" I'm putting all of this hard work into a situation that I don't get anything out of. But it's good for me because I get to experience what it's like for almost EVERYONE else and know first hand why they all seem so miserable.
The job at Lane Bryant is pulling through a little better for me. I'm getting more hours, still not full time but at least more than 8 like when I started. Usually about 16-19 but even more these days. The sad thing is that my hours pretty much depend on how much "credit" I sell. Meaning the more people I can get to try for a Lane Bryant credit card, the more hours I get, the more I can make my rent, the less I have to borrow from a parent. But I hate it because I know that for the most part, I'm just encouraging people to spend too much on things they don't need and can't afford anyways. Plus it's hard to be around it myself and have to resist buying the clothes that I like. But I am having fun. I love the people there and when I shut off my brain and put my morals in a box, I can have a great time and laugh all day long. Problem is, at the end of the day, it doesn't feel great to look back at who I was think about it. For instance a lady came in the other day and asked for a bag. When I gave her one, she looked at me and "do me a favor...just tell me that tomorrow's going to be a better day" and started to cry. I tried to reassure her even though I didn't have faith that it would be for her. When she left a man came up to me and my manager and said that she had stolen some things from another store and was trying to cover her tracks by putting it in another bag. My manager was like "OH MY GOD! We just got GOT!" and was all upset about how we were fooled into helping her mask her steal. Everyone was laughing about how she had come in crying and how we totally fell for it. And when I said "well I'd be willing to bet it wasn't an act, I mean if she has to steal she must be in a pretty bad place..." they all smirked and said Kate, you're so innocent, you're so optimistic" and were mocking me. I played it off and laughed with them and made fun of her because...well it was fun. But when I got home and put my brain back in, I didn't think it was funny anymore. Those kind of things happen a lot with work. With the world actually. And with myself...I'm finding more and more that I don't like who I am in it.
Which I guess is why I'm writing. And it's less to let you all know how I am and more because I'm SO confused that writing about it seemed like the thing to do. It always helps...usually...at least a little.
The last few days...I think I've been more lost and confused than I have ever been. Well not just the last few days...the last few weeks...but the last few days it's been eating at me more than usual. To sum it up, I'm not sure who I am, and I'm not sure how to figure that out. I have a few options. I could stay here and live with Robbie and keep working. Maybe try to figure out my own business like I wanted to before. I could go to Vermont and help dad and Sally with the Inn. I could live with mom for a bit and help her out. I could go to college. I could go someone new and live on my own. Or something completely different that I haven't thought of yet. Really the only ones I've been considering are Vermont and staying here with Robbie. And it's not as easy as just what I want to do...because each one has a completely different feel to it...each one would push me in completely different ways and turn me into a completely different person. And each one stands for something even bigger: who I want to be. And I don't know that.
Vermont would help me be the person I tend to feel like I am, but not who I feel I WANT to be. And I'm not sure which person I'm happier being. On one hand there's this very fun, happy, funny person who loves to be with her friends and hang out, who's happiest with big groups of people, who enjoys work, who loves Durham, who wants to be close to the farm, who tends to be in a pretty good mood and easily made happy by friends, swimming, good food, and a little spending money. And I have a lot of fun like that. I tend to be upbeat and in a good mood, but when I get down I get REALLY down. It's easy to be that person. But then there's another person in me who likes to be more alone...who's more serious...who wants to be stronger and smarter, who wants to be a better person. Who likes to be more spiritually involved. Who likes to be alone. Who goes about things in a more unusual way...like dating 40-year-olds and not going to college and doing home schooling instead of high school. And I like that me too but it's harder.
I feel like whoever I decide to be involves giving up a huge part of my life and huge part of who I am and what I love. I feel like I can't have both because that's what I've been trying to balance for a while now but they bump heads too much. And every time I have to make a big decision I get lost and confused. It doesn't work to be both. But I can't give up one. If I go to Vermont...I'll have to say goodbye to all of my friends, to my pool, to Robbie, to the farm, to family. If I stay, I give up peace and quiet, and the beauty of the mountains, and the state of mind that would go along with being in a calm place, the wonders of not having to stretch every paycheck to every penny or worry about how many hours I'm working or miles I'm driving or noodle I'm eating. I'd be healthier physically, emotionally, and mentally. But at what sacrifice? Am I ready to give up everything that I love so much? It's utterly depressing that to be who I am means giving up who I've become and who I have fun being. I don't mean to be rude but...I don't want to be either of my parents...and I feel like I have to chose which one I'll turn into right now when in so many ways I disagree who who they are and choices they've made. Yes, I love them and appreciate them and they both wonderful in very great and different ways and I look up to them both. But all of the flaws that I see in them...or all of the things that I dislike about them...I see in myself all of the time. If I go to Vermont, I'll turn into my dad. I'll be strong and intelligent, deep and understanding, but also...a bit of an outcast. I won't get along with most of the people I love now. Everything will be more complicated but it will feel better. And I'll have to decide to let go of...a lot. But I'll feel better about who I am and be more fulfilled with everything I do. And If I stay I'll turn into my mom. I'll be more independent and more culturally intuitive. I'll get stronger at making decisions and following through with them. I'll have lots of friends and things that I love and I'll probably get better with money. But I'll be judgemental...and I'll be harsher...and I'll make decisions based more on money and what the system wants of me and less about what I want. And I'll work but get little fulfillment out of it. But I'll be accepted more. And it'll be easier. And I'll do it well. And I'll have more fun.
Which is it?
Which is it...
Which is it.
WHICH IS IT??
Love comes with sacrifice.
-Kate
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