So Maybe Less Angst And More Fun?

I've decided that I need to decide about my decisions and be decisive about deciding things that I have trouble making decisions about.

Right? I mean life is all about making decisions based on the best knowledge you can have at the moment and pulling it through and making it work and seeing what you can learn from it. So no more of this waiting for it happen...not this time.

Here's what I know. I know that I want to get healthy...for no other reason, that's a good enough reason to go to Vermont. Here's what else I know. I know I'm REALLY tired of this whole working at a lame job for lame pay to live in a lame place. Vermont seems to be a good break from that too. Here's what else I know...living with Robbie is getting harder and harder the more we pull away from each other.

So Vermont it is, right?

But I also know...that I don't want to go. I am LOVING the fact that I am close to my friends and that I get to go swimming every day and that I have fun with everyone that I work with. When I get to be with the people I love and do the things I love, I have a blast. But unfortunately...I don't get to do those things very often with the people I love. And I hate that.

I'm making it sound like I've made a decision about something, which is misleading. I wondered if ACTING like I had made a decision about something would help me make a decision but it isn't.

Based off of all of these things...it seems like the thing to do is go to Vermont and figure some stuff out for as long as it takes but as quickly as I can. And I think I want to wait a while longer before I go so that it's not such a hassle to get out there and back for things like Thanksgiving. January-May is a good long period of the year that I don't really NEED to be in Durham for. Nothing so crucial is going on that I'd want to come home and plus I can't go swimming so the whole pool thing won't matter. There are two problems with going than. One of them is small and I can overlook it...which is just the fact that it'll be fucking COLD AS HELL. But I can work that out. The other is that I don't know what to do until then. Robbie's job is picking up at Tosca so hopefully he'll start bringing in enough to pay for the apartment on his own. My job sped up for a bit but I get the feeling it's about to slow down again. I'm not positive we're going to make rent this month...we'll get our paychecks the end of this week just in time to pay the rent but...it's likely we won't make enough. I'm predicting being about $100-$150 short but I could be wrong. We might get lucky. We've both worked a LOT lately so...hopefully I'm very wrong. But if I stay in the complex...living with Robbie might drive me crazy. And if I'm not living with him, than what's the point of NOT going to VT?

It's all so complicated. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's coming up VERY slowly and it's uphill, and I'm tired, and it's rocky and hard. But I'll make it.

Love is near...AND far.

Kate