It's Looking Pretty Lonely Out There, Guys

Earlier today I was driving in the car with Robbie listening to music and singing along, happy as could be. I said to him "You know...I'm really enjoying being single." It's something I had been realizing and playing with lately...and it's true, I really am having fun with it. I like myself better-I feel freer and more grown-up. I feel stronger and more confident. It's good to experience. Especially considering that I've almost never imagined myself without someone else in the picture. Although I do pull back to a certain extent at the thought of enjoying my independence, mainly because I LOATHE the whole "I don't need a man" independent role my mother takes on, and god forbid I follow in her footsteps too much. The thing is, "a man" is just another form of connection with someone...and you DO need to feel connected to someone in this world. My mom doesn't need a man because she has wonderful friends. Some have close families. Some have spouses. Some have all of the above, but whatever the case people need to have other people in their lives besides themselves. You need to be able to or know that you can depend on SOMEone and if you don't know that, it's scary.

Lately as I've enjoyed the freedom of not being in a relationship, I've also been experiencing the sadness of not having very many other good relationships with anyone else. The more Robbie and I become "just friends" the less close I feel to him, despite how much we love and care for each other still. The more I become dependent from my family, the more distant they seem. The more I change and grow the more my relationships change and grow, and it's hard to rely on old friendships staying the same. And making new friends is hard. It isn't hard getting along with new people, having interesting conversations with new people, or even hanging out a few nights a week with new people. But developing strong...serious friendships with people is surprisingly similar to trying to develop a relationship with a guy. You don't know if they enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs. You don't know if they want to spend time with you as much as you want to with them. Or how much they want to share about themselves or know about you. And to develop those kind of friendships take a long, long time.

For me, it's easy to make new acquaintances. I get along with everyone and I'm very likable and fun. But anything deeper than fun is scary at times. It's almost EASIER to develop a relationship with a guy than to make good friendships because when it's a relationship there's an understanding of more...of going all out and putting yourself out their completely. With new acquaintances you can't do that as well. It's odd to say to someone "do you want to be really really good friends and be very close and personal?" What if they were just being nice?

I'm noticing for myself and for many people my age these days that the world looks really really lonely. You leave high school or you leave college or you leave graduate school or you leave a job but at some point and in every new step you lose friends and have to make new ones. But until then...who do you talk to? Who do you spend time with?

I get along well with my coworkers at Lane Bryant and I would like to spend more time with them because lately I don't have anyone else to hang out with. One in particular I wish I knew better but it's hard to read her: she's very good at being fake with people...in that kind of job, who isn't? Tonight I had invited everyone over to my house and not one of them showed up...it was disappointing to say the least. And when you know so little of someone, everything counts. If it had been someone I'd known forever and they just couldn't make it, I wouldn't have thought "well they just don't like me". But for someone new, what more can you think of it?

I'm sure it wasn't an insult, but it wasn't much of a compliment either. And I'm secure enough with myself to know it doesn't mean anything about me personally. But that doesn't mean it doesn't EFFECT me...because instead I sat on the couch alone instead of with friends, and who likes that? My older friends are growing and changing like me and I feel hardly as close to them anymore. And now without Robbie so close to me, my family too far away to pay the gas money to get to, without my doggie who I've missed more than ever recently, and without much to do with myself, I find myself very lonely.

And it's not that there isn't a fix, I know the options available to me, but in the long run, won't I have to do this all over again LATER anyways? I could go to college and make friends again, sure...but my sister made good friends at college and she doesn't see them anymore and is having trouble making new friends too. And I could try another relationship, but that one will probably end too. I look at the world and people's lives and some are really lucky to find life-time friends...but what about those who aren't? What about those people who make lots of friends, but none of them really stick. In the end, even though I will find new people and new friends and end up happy later eventually on and off forever...right now I'm still sitting here alone in this room at this very moment, and I'm still wishing someone else were here with me who really knew me. And when I think about it...although I know I have EVERYONE to depend on, I wonder if anyone of you really do know me, even if you're there for me, even if you love me, even if you know me. And even if you do, you're not here...and I wish you were.

I think I need a dog. heh

Love to you all

-Kate