I went to church with Robbie today. He plays drums there and it actually sounded really good. The music was very beautiful and...if I believed in what they believe...pretty powerful too. He did a good a job. And I got to meet all of his nice friends and start getting to know people. Which felt nice.
I find myself feeling awkward when people talk about God the way Christians talk about God. I studied the church hard as I was sitting there. The entire time, I wasn't focusing on anything but the deeper message. I don't judge these people...in some ways...I look up to them. They exhibit a vulnerability that I have trouble with. They cry out to Jebus (well okay...Jesus) and raise their hands and let tears stream down their eyes and rock back and forth as they pray and sing and preach. It was disorienting at first...being someone who rarely goes to church...but I came to understand what they were asking for: help. They want help. And in the long run...I don't think that's a bad thing. For the most part, the only things I've ever found upsetting...or...unappealing about religion...is the rules and restrictions and punishments. I listened to the song lyrics and heard about how God will only accept me if I accept him...how he will love me, but not quite as much as the people who blindly followed him. The sermon was about how I need to "run to him" because I am a dumb sheep who is lost without his help, and how I need to learn to stay by his side as the sheep stay by their Shepard. But to me...that isn't beautiful. People would cry out about how worthy he is of their worship...but I'm baffled about why they think he's so glorious when to me...he seems like a real ass.
One of my favorite Modest Mouse songs has a verse in it that goes:
"If God controls the land and disease, keeps a watchful eye on me, If he's really so damn mighty, my problem is I can't see, well who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak? Well who would wanna be? Who would wanna be such a control freak?"
I think it's the about the simplest way I've ever heard it put: their God is a control freak. The way they made him out to be, he was spiteful...he was power hungry. He wants to control every one's lives, he wants everyone to worship him, he wants everyone to know that he is the greatest and the only pure source and the only right answer and that all those who use the minds he gave them are not worthy of his love. He hurts people to test them? He breaks them so that they learn that he's the only one who can fix him?
Yeah...sounds like a great catch to me!
Aside from all of that, though...there is something to be found in religion. They create a community of people who love and support each other in a world of chaos. They create a source of comfort...of knowing that if you have nobody else, you have a friend. If you can find no help, it will find you. If you have nothing in the world, you have goodness. If you have nothing else to look forward to, there's a reward. And yeah...I can see why that's a appealing.
And they're trying, you've gotta give them that. If nothing else...in a world where there aren't very many, if any clear answers...and there's hurt and pain and hardship...if nothing else...they're doing what they think is best...and following their hearts. And that's always nice.
I do get sad, though...because nobody there seems to know how powerful they are, individually. They get down and they look up...and they wait...and they pray to follow blindly no matter what...and never do they think "I can handle this...I'm powerful...I'm strong...I can do it ....I can get through this." I don't think they need to do it alone...if their God was just helping I might be more accepting of the religion...but it feels like the way they were talking about it today...God doesn't even really WANT you to try. He doesn't want you to think for yourself. And what's the point in that? I mean really...why didn't he just make more sheep? Take less time, I'm sure. 5 days...maybe 6.
Nuff4now
-Kate
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