What To Do...What To Do...

I find myself bored lately. I do little crafty things around the apartment...sew patches onto my pants, make little bead things, or draw something, or write something. There's always TV which gets old...and the computer which makes me antsy to be on for long periods of time. I'm still job searching so there isn't any scheduled ordeals besides dropping off and picking up Robbie from his work. And for the most part, I haven't made any good friends so there isn't anyone to hang out with except Robbie and as much as I love him, he isn't around to entertain me all the time. I can't wait to start working. Never thought you'd hear me say that, eh?!

I'm serious, though. It'll be nice to have money...nice to have people to get to know...nice to have something to do everyday...and I like that I don't feel like I'll be stuck at it. If I hate it, I'll just quit and try a different job. It'll be cool. If nothing else...it'll be a good distraction.

I do miss home. I miss being comfortable. Sometimes I think I've adapted well and that I'm completely at home here now. That it was fast and that everything is perfect. Other times...like today...I look outside and it's beautiful...I miss the smell of the farm. I crave to be outside...but it isn't welcoming because I don't own the outside here. It isn't mine. It's shared with all of these other people around me who I don't know. I can't go lay in my grass and snuggle with my dog. I miss having a front yard. A stream behind me. Trails. Animals. Neighbors that I know.

I want a pet. I miss Riley...and Coffee...and Mellow...and the well ignored kitty...and my old gerbils...and hamsters...and bunnies...and Spanky...and Leroy and Jr. There aren't any animals here for me to play with.

And it's Saturday...and yet there's nothing special about it. Which makes me sad. I spent all morning grumping about, watching TV, being snotty with Robbie. Then suddenly it was 3 o'clock and he had to get ready for work. Now suddenly it's evening and the day has passed me by and there's nothing to do. I miss the activity of the weekends. Which is weird because I also felt lame when nothing was happening and I was home on the couch on the farm. But this time...there's not even the chance of something happening. Ella isn't going to come hang out and see me with Max...I won't be going over to Cynthia and Kenny's...I won't drive up the road and see everyone out in their gardens helping each other...there won't be a potluck or a community gathering of some sort...the girls won't be visiting...the dog won't boast around the house after being so good at her doggie class...nothing. I'm just here...like usual...and it's gorgeous out and I can't seem to enjoy it.

I think what I want more than anything...what I'm finding that I want at least for right now...is a community. People I know and love who love and know me. It didn't work when I was living at Potluck...because I didn't have Robert...I was still my mother's baby...and I wasn't being inspired or doing anything. But this isn't what I want either. It's fine...it's workable and a good experience for a year...but ultimately...it isn't what I want. Because at least for right now...it's JUST me and Robbie. And I'm not being inspired...and I'm still not doing anything. But what should I be doing?

I imagine living in a place...more up north...colder. Where Fall and Winter dominate...but it's still warm enough in the summer to go swimming comfortably. And there's a community of people...who all love and support each other. Who have fun together. Who have differences but can handle those differences and work them out when needed. There isn't a lot of hustle and bustle...it's quiet but not too quiet. There are beautiful places to go to...a pond to go fishing in...trails to ride horses on...streams to walk near and play in...fields for picnics and gatherings and parties...a big hill to go sledding down in the winter...and good healthy farmland. Every one's houses are fairly quaint and simple...because nobody really needs to stay indoors. There isn't a system of money...but of barter. Material things aren't totally eliminated...because there are still things like toys and art work...things that are pretty...that make people remember good times...or things that provide a sense of individuality. Awkward small talk is eliminated...because for the most part...there's rarely a time when you don't see someone for a while...but at the same time...meaningless shallow conversations are still plentiful...for fun and amusement. (It isn't always deep meaningful conversation...because there needs to be a balance of calm as well.) Instead of the kinds of things we talk about now...pop culture and politics and the works...there's another source of conversation to bond over. Something just as fun and uplifting...but more natural and wise. School is fun. The lawyers have all died off. The hunters give thanks. The world still provides a new way of connecting with new people...and everyone has found harmony and peace.

Sappy eh?

I like that world. Because it's my preferred balance between the world that may be the result of change...and the world we live in now. I don't know what to expect or how to prepare. And as a result...I'm unsure of how to live my life right now...in this moment and all the next ones. I don't want the future to look like it is now. But I don't want it to look the opposite either. With all the stuff I've been learning from my dad and Robbie and other people...I've been haunted by the idea of losing EVERYthing that I'm comfortable with now. No CDs to play...no movies to watch...no traveling or meeting new people...no bad-for-me foods...no video games...no more traditions with the same people...no leisurely drives...no more easy way outs...no more relaxed days where there's nothing to do...no more television or chlorinated pools...no more fun fashion...or shallow entertainment. That's the worst case scenario. The ultimate switch. And although I know that most of those things are probably best being destroyed, I still like them nevertheless. It's what I know. It's comfortable. It's easy.

What's interesting is...the thing I remember being the most upset about when it came to "peak oil" and "the end of civilization"...is knowing that if it happened...I wouldn't be able to go to the beach for Thanksgiving. lol.

Robbie and I are wanting to create a list of goals...we keep putting it off...so I suppose our first goal is to write the fucking goals down. Whatever the case...I've been trying to figure out what it is that I really want to put on there. There are the obvious goals...earn money and start saving...stock the kitchen...find a job I like...get involved with hobbies outside of my job...things like that. But I keep thinking about writing them down...and I don't like the idea of it. Ultimately...I'll still be riding the wave of this system. And that isn't a goal of mine. I want out. I want peace. I want it to be easy...now.

I want to be inspired. Inspired to do all the things I really want to do like art and poetry for instance. Because when I'm in the mood I'm in now...I know it's there to do...and I WANT to do it...but I don't want to do it...if that makes any sense. I've never been able to pinpoint what I need most to be inspired. Cool whether has always been a big one...being outside is always best for me...being with people I like...and being away from my usual slum. But how do I get that? How do I incorporate these things into my life when I have to work and save and spend and schedule?

How do I get where I want to go? And what do I do in the meantime?

More later, I'm sure...

Loveth <3

Kate