Back And Forth And What To Do

One minute...I find myself thinking about college...and totally sure that it isn't for me, the next, it seems like the best idea in the world. I'm so back and forth about it. But finally I feel like I'm settling down into making a decision.

I've boiled it down to two main reasons to go and not go...and I feel like all four reasons are equally as important. Interestingly enough, each two reasons have something to do with the future and something to do with my past. The ones that have to do with the future are about what I want to learn and who I'm with...and both of them are scary because there's no guarantee. And the two that have to do with my past are both about going back to something I miss...going back to a social system...and home...and both of those are scary because they didn't necessarily work...and I wonder if I left them behind for a reason.

On the side of going to college...my first main reason for wanting to go is it's an easy way to learn what I want. I'm getting handed an education at a wonderful school in exactly what I love...for free. I can learn all the art I want with no strings attached and not very much work on my part. My second reason for wanting to go is that it will put me back into a social system of young people which I really miss. I figure that I can learn all the art I want a number of other ways...but I'm not sure I'll be able to learn it alongside people my own age...and I really miss having friends my own age. I also worry that if I find another way to learn what I want to learn...that it won't be as easy as college would be...it would take money...and having to support myself on top of it...and all other kinds of complications.

On the side of not going to college, my first reason not to go is: I really want to be closer to home. College might be great but going to UNCA will still keep me away from Durham and the farm...which after my experience here in Franklin...I'm incredibly eager to get back to. My heart is always been at the farm...and the day dream of finding an apartment in Durham and living there and getting to visit the farm for activities and be close to Ella and Cynthia again sounds too good to be true. My second reason for not going is that I really love how my relationship with Robert is going and how our life looks together...and I really don't want to put it on hold any longer. We already did the long distance thing...but these days it's like I'm constantly excited that I get to live with him and spend every day with him. And although some might frown at making a decision based on a relationship...he's a huge part of my life...he's a big part of who I am and what I love and what makes me happy every day and I don't see any reason to disregard that. But I fear that if I decide not to go...it will be more difficult to go the next year if I decide to...or that I'll start to feel cooped up and bored after another year of just working and making ends meet.

But I've thought about the consequences of both decisions and something seems to hold true...if I would rather make the decision to put it off for another year and be ACHING to go by the end of that summer...than make the decision to go and regret it and be homesick and have to drop out and return again much later. If I put it off for another year...I feel like I'd get to have both. I could come home and live in Durham and have another year to make absolute sure that it's what I want...and then go and really feel ready and sure about it.

A week from now I might have changed my mind and already be packed for Asheville...but that's where I stand right now and I'd love to hear opinions about it.

In other news...I'm having a great time. I haven't missed a single day at the gym yet and today I had so much fun working out I couldn't believe it. It's a blast to go there with Robbie...we have such a great time together. The eating part has yet to really get set in stone but I've at least been conscious about it and trying to get better about it. We still haven't gotten our hopeful food stamps so we don't really have much in the kitchen to eat anyways. But we're having a blast.

I talked to the Hampton Inn manager today and she said they won't be needing me until March or April which is a bummer. So I'll try to get a job at Ingles or something and then if they call me in a couple months I'll decide then if I want to quit and take it (unless I love it at Ingles I can't imagine why I wouldn't...the manager is incredibly nice and I hear they pay well).

So that's the news with me. Sorry I haven't been writing much...I figure if I just put it off I'll have more to write about when I get to it and won't be so dull and boring then I would be if I forced myself to write when there was nothing new to write about. I keep hoping something interesting will pop into my head but...no luck there. lol

Anyways I love you all and hope you're all well.

Love is hiring

Kate