I'm Running Out Of Clever Titles...So This One Is About Stuff

Well there's not much to say about anything that's been going on. I've been sick for a few days so life has kind of been on hold. Ever since I got back I've been stuck in bed...I had a fever for a couple days...it was a nasty little bugger. But I'm finally starting to get over it. I feel gross in swings now...it comes and goes...one minute I think I feel good enough to go outside and go for a walk or go out to eat or run errands...but then the next I'm groping my stomach and asking if we can cut the day short. I feel cooped up. I'm ready to get over this thing.

One thing is sure...all this down time has let my mind run. I'm feeling very done with this apartment. It's fine but...it seems to bog me down so much. I need sunlight. I need a bedroom that doesn't feel like a freezer. I need a kitchen that has more than a foot of counter space to cook on. I need white walls and nice carpeting and something that feels like my own space. The bathroom is so small you can do everything you need to do in the mornings while sitting on the toilet cause everything is in reaching distance. It's not that bad...it's livable and quaint and puts a roof over our head but...I've experienced it. That's good enough for me.

So I'm daydreaming about a better place. From what I've searched as long as we don't care where we are...there are plenty of better apartments for cheaper than what we're paying for ours. It limits your choices when you need to pick a certain area...but neither Robert or I need to be here.

Getting a job is going to make a lot of decisions clearer. If I find a job that I love, that pays good, and that I make a good amount of friends from...I might decide to stick around. And if a job is all I need to make the apartment bearable...by just getting me out of it every day...than we might stick with it. But if I can't find a job that I like...if we don't make any friends...and if after a certain amount of time we just both agree we don't need to be here any longer...we might move.

Despite all the little issues we have...I really am enjoying myself. And I'm not feeling really inspired to put all of this on hold for four years of college. Yeah I know...you all are really rooting for college...but the more I think about it...the more it just doesn't feel right to me. Cynthia and I were talking about it on the ride up here after Christmas (she drove me back from mom's to Asheville after we got back from Michigan). I told her that I had noticed something really interesting about this whole college thing. A year ago whenever someone asked me what I was going to do after high school...I would say "Well I'm going to take a year off before college but then I'll go to UNCA after that...I've already been accepted and am deferring." In the back of my mind...I didn't believe myself. It was something I said because...it's what people wanted to hear...and it was better than saying "I really have no fucking idea, stop asking me and live your own damn life." When I said it...I knew deep down that...yes, it was an option...but probably unlikely that I really would do that. And I was okay with that. I felt secure in knowing that I didn't have to go to college and that it wasn't for me. For a while I pushed it aside and forgot about it...until I had to face it again when I had to re-apply. When I expressed that I might actually decide to go...everyone jumped on it as an opening to push me further towards it. And they succeeded. In my head I had actually decided I would really go to college. And so when I was asked what I was going to do next year...and I performed my little sketch about going to college...I actually meant it. But then I discovered something interesting about that little voice in the back of my head that used to be okay with the knowledge that the fact that I was going to college was a lie. When I said I'd be going...and meant it...it didn't feel okay. Something didn't feel right. The little voice in the back of my head was thinking "wait...that's not right." And to make it worse...while visiting my family who loves me and wants what's best for me...I felt pressured to go...which for a rebel like me...only pushes me farther away from it and fogs up what I really want.

On the ride with Cynthia...while I talked to her...I expected her to vote for college as well. But having had experience with having pushed younger family members into college and had them go and drop out only to return much later and actually succeed in it when they were ready for it...she was incredibly helpful...reminding me that if I decided not to go...I wouldn't be disowned by my family...and that really...she didn't see me fitting in with the college environment either. It's just so structured for a butterfly like me. It felt wonderful to have someone older...and intelligent...and successful...let me know that I'm free...and that I'm wise...and that whatever I decide will work for me.

I still haven't completely decided about college. But the more I think "I'll take a year off...and then just feel it out from there and decide as I go"...the more THAT feels like the truest thing I've ever decided. It would definitely become an issue...the whole system that was created around my choice to college will have to come tumbling down. And of course...not going to college is not the easiest choice...which pisses me off of course because I'm tired of taking the long way but...I guess that's just who I am.

Whatever I do decide...I'll let you all know the real truth of it this time. But if you want to help me in any way...just tell me you love me and trust whatever decisions I make. If you try to push me towards a certain thing...I'll move farther away from it even if it's what I really want for myself...and it will make it that much more difficult for me to find it for myself...which my odd spirit seems to be intent on doing. I listen to myself well...and I do know deep down what's best for me...even if it isn't what you thought was best for me. And the only reason I express this is because...the hardest part about choosing not to go to college...would be having to let down my friends and family. So if I approach that head on now...it'll make the decision in the end a whole lot easier. So...I may not go to college.

But don't worry...all hope is not completely lost for me. Instead I'm leaning towards an art school which I have yet to find. And you can help me with that. If you or any friends of yours or any friends of any friends of yours know about some art schools on the eastern part of the country...let me know. I'm researching them. Health to you all...

Love is brilliant!

Kate