"No, We're Not, But We're Taking Applications!"

People say that like it's exciting. Like for some reason the fact that they will put my application in a stack of other applications to later throw away should raise my hopes. There's always that tiny tone of hope at the end of their reply. "Sorry, we won't hire you but we'll give you false hope!"

I wrote a blog a few days ago after another day of job hunting. I wrote it when I really couldn't concentrate and saved it in case I decided to concentrate on it later...but when I did look back at it I was embarrassed and decided not to post it. I was too upset...too angry. And when I write when I'm like that...I always look back at it later and am ANGRY that I was so angry. It annoys me to look back at myself as being so angry. But it was a valuable rant...it served it's purpose.

"Basically...I gave up going to gym to go job hunting...and it REALLY pissed me off. Not only did I have to give up something that would actually help me and that I actually care about...I had to give it up to go around and hear "no" over and over and over again. I felt like I got nowhere. Ultimately I think I felt let down. We had decided to just drive up the road and stop at every possible location. The only place that felt hopeful was Wendy's...and the thought of working there sucked out my soul. I know how many of you would just tell me to bare with it and do what I have to do. I can hear your voices telling me to suck it up and that life is tough...and all I can be is angry with you that you would tell me that. I want to smack you and tell you how ignorant you are to tell me that that's what life is. That life is defined by job and lack of job. And that it's regular that a smart, educated, self-confident person like me cannot land a job that doesn't suck every innocent and humane instinct I have out of me. You want to tell me that this is my world? Fuck that noise."

That's just a taste of what I originally wrote. And that was a fairly tame piece.

The truth of the matter is that I look back at that and find myself just as angry...and feel foolish for being so angry. I feel ashamed that I CAN'T just bare with it...that I have so much pulling me back from just doing what I have to do. But what really gets me is...I don't feel like I have to do it...but I end up having to anyways because I make decisions that force me to play along. If I decided that what I really wanted more than anything in the world was to get out of the system and go live for free in the middle of nowhere and live peacefully...I probably could. I know one or two parents who would be more than willing to let me live with them and I'm sure I could work out a barter system in which I work for them in order to just live. But what frustrates me is that as much as I believe in it, as much as I feel like I want it...I don't WANT to do that. I WANT to have a cool apartment with friends over and play video games and watch movies and order pizza and go bowling. I WANT to have a job and a dog and nice things on the wall. I WANT to take classes and travel and have money. But I don't WANT to want those things...and I can't seem to WANT what I WANT. (The word "want" is starting to look really strange to me now.)

What I'd really like is to get a job that pays the bills...pays the debt...and then starts to have a little left over every month to save up to move comfortably and start over closer to home. But this month has just been hectic. I knew last month before Christmas that I was going to regret saying "this month is hard...but after Christmas everything will be fine". I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass. But I honestly didn't think it would be this impossible to find a job. Hampton Inn hasn't called, Comfort Inn hasn't called, Wal-Mart hasn't called, Ingles hasn't called...and those were all my hopefuls. The one last place that MIGHT hire me seems to be Wendy's and as horribly depressing and draining and soul sucking as that sounds...I am now obligated because Robert made barely ANY money this month and it's been sucked right back out by the gas it takes to get him to work and food. And I'm devastated because of how FAST all of that money we got for Christmas got sucked back in from all of last months rent. On top of it all I only have myself to blame...because at the beginning of the month when I just started to hunt for jobs I decided we could spend a little here and there on ourselves because I knew I'd have a job by the end of the month and I figured it was our Christmas money and we deserved to buy a few cheap DVDs and some ice cream. And now I bet more than $150 of it went to having fun and spending money carelessly on things like going out to eat. I'm embarrassed that I spent so much when we didn't need to...and I'm embarrassed that I was so ignorant of how little jobs there were in Franklin at this time of year. And now I feel like all I can do is bow my head and cross my fingers and hope that our landlord will give us a break...AGAIN...and that making small payments on our power bill will suffice.

We might have a chance at getting a government job with the post office...but we have to PAY $40 to apply and that's kind of the last little bit of money we have left. We'll get it back in a year if we don't get hired but in a year we probably won't need it as badly. So tomorrow we're going to cash in Robert's checks...use the money left in the bank to order applications...I'm going to put in my application at Wendy's...and hopefully start working...and we'll see what happens. Worst case scenario...I have to ask a parent for money and add on to how much I owe already until I get hired somewhere.

As pitiful as all of this sounds, though...Robbie and I are still oddly happy. I think it's almost impossible to break that. We're in debt up to our eyeballs...we have NO money and only 10 days left to try and get some...nobody will hire me...he's barely getting paid at all...and yet we go to sleep laughing and wake up laughing. I don't want pity or money from anyone...if nobody calls and we can't hold off paying our bills and later...I know how to ask for a loan. But I figured I'd keep y'all up to date. In the end...it's frustrating when I get going on about it like I have just been doing...but in a minute after I've posted this...I'll walk away from the computer...sit down...relax in our unusually clean apartment...maybe have a bowl of ice cream and smile because...luckily...I've got people who love me to help me if I absolutely need it...and someone to go through it with me who makes me happy and makes everything worth it. We really do laugh ourselves to sleep at night...and I guess in the end...what really matters is that you go to sleep in a good mood...and try to make the best out of the rest....and we're good at that.

I love you all so much.

Love is hiring

Kate